Ottawa Beige

Lansdowne Live - Long Live the Beige!

2010-05-26T16:40:00.002-04:00

So, it's been nearly two years since any of us posted on this blog. I guess you'd say it's been dormant. Time to bring a sleeping dog to life, and it's all thanks to a project that seems bent on encouraging the beigeness of Ottawa for years to come. I'm talking, of course, about the Lansdowne Live proposal. It's a drive to ensure the continuing blandness of Lansdowne Park, a 10 hectare site at the southern tip of the Glebe, one of the central neighbourhoods in Ottawa. It's currently too poorly served by transit and too inaccessible to vehicles to be a reasonable site for a 28,000 seat stadium. That hasn't stopped them before from doing it, but that was in the 1960's, and I'd like to think we're much smarter today about urban planning.

I have therefore sent the following letter through the Let's Get it Right campaign. I urge you to do the same.

By the way, any suggestions on the letter? How would you improve on it? Did I get some things wrong?

Dear Councillors,

I strongly urge you to reject the Lansdowne Live project as it is currently constituted. I encourage you to redesign the process so that the whole site, and not just the lawn, is open to an international design competition, which will bring the best ideas to Ottawa for the redesign of this unique site. As well, this would enable joint funding of the site from other levels of government, which is a much fairer deal for Ottawa taxpayers.

I encourage you to reconsider the need for a sporting venue on the site, particularly for football, unless a transportation and site access plan has been developed. I would suggest that Ottawans are not guaranteed to embrace yet another football team (given the lack of success of the Renegades and the Roughriders, there is no guarantee of success at this site or for Canadian football in Ottawa). I would suggest that, if you feel there is an absolute necessity for a major outdoor sporting venue in the city, that you consider locating the facility along a major transit corridor (Lebreton Flats/Bayview would be a more logical location, as it is central and along a major public transit corridor).

The 2008 Transportation Master Plan shows Bank St. as a Transit Priority; however, there appears to be no plan other than a bus lane to ensure ease of access to the site. This will likely be an insufficient measure to move the number of people that would attend a match at the site in a time efficient, effective manner. I have travelled recently through Europe and witnessed cities smaller and less prosperous than Ottawa with far superior transit systems that are able to handle similar numbers of people with little difficulty.

I would suggest that there are other, better potential uses for the site. The ideas of making Lansdowne a pedestrian area save for the parking garage is attractive; I would encourage using this to create a pedestrian plaza that is rare in North America and currently non-existent in Ottawa (Sparks St. doesn't attract sufficient traffic and is quiet outside of normal business hours, and Byward Market isn't the model that it could be, though the potential to turn it into a pedestrian area exists); something that could be another highlight and attraction for a trip to Ottawa. However, I would again suggest that the design be opened to an international design competition. Ottawa doesn't need the same old; it needs fresh ideas that can allow it to grow into the world class city and world class capital it should rightfully be.

Nothing to do with the beige, everything to do with the Ottawa hockey team...

2008-07-10T09:53:00.002-04:00

The creator of this blog, Jon, is no doubt very happy with the developments of the past week. First, Wade Redden moved out of town, though it would've been nice if he'd waived his no-trade clause so that the Sens could get something for him. Secondly, Ray Emery is off to Moscow for next year, after being wisely bought out by the Senators. Both of these are cases of addition by subtraction.

The Rangers are more than welcome to pay $6.5 million per year for Redden. Same goes for Atlant Mytischy and their $2 million for Emery. The Sens made the right choices there. Now if only they could get someone to overpay for Spezza...

The Green Shift

2008-06-20T09:47:00.005-04:00

It appears that the beige is turning a little bit greener. The Liberals released quite possibly the most significant, wide-ranging political policy piece in years yesterday when they released their Green Shift plan yesterday.

As a long-time supporter of carbon taxes and ecological fiscal reform, I look at this and say... it's not perfect. But it's good. And as I was told often last year as I entered the policy world, perfection is the enemy of good. I see some room for improvement here, but not much. Congratulations to the Liberals. I support this plan.

I had recently moved towards the NDP and voted for them for the first time in the last provincial election, but I am dismayed at the NDP for disagreeing with this (though I understand why). I think that the Liberals plan does as well as can be expected to mitigate the impacts of a carbon tax on the poor, and on Northern communities that have fewer options and colder weather.

It should be noted that there is NO increase in gasoline taxes through this plan. I disagree with that, because taxation is a good way to minimize gasoline consumption and drive other energy efficiency policies. But raising gasoline taxes is a losing proposition for a political party, so I understand their choice.

Taxation is also fairly low cost for the government to administer; cap-and-trade has significant administrative costs.

I have made personal choices to prepare myself for a carbon tax. I believe that I should not be able to use the atmosphere as a free dumping ground. I believe that our taxation system should be designed to promote good things (the three I's mentioned by Stéphane Dion: income, investment and innovation), and should discourage things that cause harm (sin taxes on pollution and wasteful overconsumption). Unless the other parties get this, I will be (holding my nose for other reasons but will be) voting Liberal next election.

Good bye...

2008-06-07T08:44:00.002-04:00

...Wade, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

It would've been nice to, you know, 'get something' for him, but he refused to waive his no trade clause twice, once last off-season, once at the trading deadline last season.

Roy "Fritz" Koerner

2008-06-04T14:53:00.003-04:00

At times, it's easy to underestimate the impact that some of the people who walk the same halls as you do have had.

On May 26, Fritz Koerner passed away. I had the pleasure of seeing Fritz give a presentation back in October. He was engaging, friendly, lighthearted and illuminating. Few people could make glaciology as interesting as Fritz did. I didn't realize that he came up with ice core sampling, a crucial measurement strategy in determining previous climates.

RIP, Fritz.

Congrats to Ottawa...

2008-06-03T09:54:00.002-04:00

...for turning the beige a little greener.

Ottawa has become the third city to sign on to zerofootprint.net.

Obama and Clinton

2008-06-01T23:48:00.005-04:00

This has nothing to do with Ottawa, but...

Does anyone else think that there's some strategy to the Democrats continuing on with a 'race', even when it's pretty evident that it's over? Sure, there's infighting, but everyone's talking about the Democrats, and having their names out there a lot more than McCain is likely going to be to their benefit. The Republicans, who've proved much more capable recently at the mud-flinging that accompanies a campaign (until this year - I think the Clintons are giving them a run for their money), still have to hedge their bets and dig up dirt on both candidates - that's twice the effort, and twice the cost (granted, it's a small cost overall in a race). Maybe there's a bit of logic to them dragging this out, perhaps until August, even if most of us know that the race is over. Of course, this means doubled efforts on the Democrats side to take on the Republicans.

Anyhow, recent developments in the campaign have made it easy for me to decide who I'd prefer to see win. Obama's policy stands on energy and the environment have been far ahead of McCain's, and ahead of Clinton's. His stand against a gas tax holiday was a courageous move, in comparison with the populist pandering that McCain and Clinton showed.

This is my voting issue - whichever party comes up with the best environment/energy platform in the next Canadian election will get my vote. Even if, as it appears right now (sigh), it is the Liberal Party...

June 4 Update: Oops, guess I was wrong on this one...

Charles Caccia

2008-05-05T15:58:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted in a while, but I feel this is something worth posting about.

On Saturday, Charles Caccia, one of the few men who tried to make Ottawa green instead of beige, passed away. I had a chance to see Mr. Caccia speak last fall. He had much stronger pro-environmental views than virtually all other parliamentarians. He was not afraid to make his views known. It probably cost him upward mobility in the Liberal party post-Trudeau.

His "resignation" from the Liberal party roughly coincided with when I gave up on the Liberals as well.

RIP Mr. Caccia.

Cards close to the chest

2008-03-25T15:43:00.002-04:00

Lately, I haven't written anything of consequence that would have Ottawa at its centre, for better or worse, as the original intent of the blog claimed. Inspiration was coming from all sorts of oblique angles and strange, unlikely, sources but never from the capital of beige.

As usual, it takes a visit to Montreal, rushing to the rescue of senses. But it also took a visit from an out-of town friend to refocus and reload, so to speak, to gain further ammunition in the back-and forth shoot-out over Ottawa. The combination of the two perspectives, plus maybe the sunny, crisp weather we'd been having, it all helped crystallize a few more impressions.

First, Montreal.

Unlike many of the locals, my roots or family or even university experiences have nothing to do with the city of Montreal. My eyes, when I go there, are strictly the eyes of a visitor, perhaps beyond the mere tourist stage, but definitely an outsider. I don't know all the street names, McGill is a bunch of historical buildings, not my alma mater, and I never got to "party" in Montreal, most likely because all my partying happened in Alberta...or Ottawa. Therefore, when I go to Montreal, I am still in awe of the stained glass windows on Notre Dame, I eat crepes somewhere in the Vieux Port, I repeatedly climb 'the mountain' and revel in Mt. Royal's natural views as well as the, let's say observation of local humans in their natural habitat. My senses still get relatively intoxicated by the fine curves and angles of 18th and 19th century architecture and equally by the fine curves on the Quebecois ladies. And I'll add that the opening hours of restaurants seem a bit weird, my stumbling through la langue francaise quickly leads to a normal English conversation. But I do appreciate the slightly off-the beaten path attractions, will have a beer or a coffee at a 'local' joint as opposed to something completely touristy, and I have scoured the museums and galeries, perhaps more than the locals do...because locals, everywhere, tend to get complacent. To me, Montreal has always had this slightly heroic stature; things are faster, more colorful, heavier-hitting than in English Canada. Church spires straight from the old continent almost rub shoulders with risque sex shops, and anarchist punk kids do their thing in city parks. One can actually run into a street demonstration of some sorts, on most weekends. One will always hear new music or see very original art in Montreal. And then there are the statues of important men, with and without horses, including Dollard d'Ormeaux who'd saved, in the 1640s, the then-fledgling French settlement from a big Iroquis raid. A geniune hero, in the physical mould, pictured in the Three Mousqueteers era garb. My friend simply remarked: "hey, this is old, because the guy is dressed like a mousqueteer...we don't have d'Artagnan in Western Canada".

Pondering what that statue of a guy from the 1600s meant, my reaction is not (anymore) the polite and deferential Western Canadian "this is old and gorgeous stuff". It is more along the lines of "Ottawa has some great bronze statues of some important people, too, but none of them kicked ass like that." Which brings me right back to the meaning of Beige.

When you look across the still frozen Ottawa river back to the Parliament Hill, sharp in the morning air, with the noble spires rising out from the equally impressive natural setting, it is a view to admire. My friend really liked it. Many of my visitors, in fact, have remarked about the scenic and tranquil walk across the Alexandra bridge (facing the parliament and Chateau Laurier, not the other way around) - it was almost the best city skyline in the country, according to one person.

What Ottawa has and what Ottawa does very well are the facades, the large cultural institutions, the occassional dash of neat and always monumental architecture. It is what capitals are made for, after all. What Ottawa does not do as well, especially if the Montreal comparison comes into play, is the life that animates these spaces. Not that there aren't the ever-present tourists; au contraire, the tourists help make the Byward market the place that it is and the tourist always come. There is no truly low season for visitors. But what happens with the touring itself is that Ottawa is a disjointed mosaic of several interesting areas, centered around the Hill and the Market, with the rest of the city being spread very thin and quite unremarkable. Instead of the expansive and lively streetscapes of Montreal (old and not-so old), the streets here all exist in isolation. Elgin Street is a microcosm. Sussex drive and the adjoining few blocks present another microcosm. Wellington street is the "power corridor" inhabited by suitcase-carrying nervous types, usually in a hurry to make that next meeting. Ottawa shows the visitor a tableau of disjointed, albeit stimulating, urban existence, a grouping of insular communities that rub shoulders..and rarely come together. In Montreal, the spirit of the city, even though it is a very diverse and complicated city, is something that just hangs in the air. It's a restless and simultaneously hedonistic spirit. The spirit of someone who is not in a hurry for that next appointment.

Snowjob 08'

2008-03-11T14:21:00.002-04:00

No, I am not referring to the annual MuchMusic concert series held at some ski hill. And no tongue-in cheek references to anything else, including sex acts in snowbanks.

I am simply wondering where all the headlines about global warming and global climate change retreated, indeed retreated like glaciers do, since this mega-huge, unheard-of late winter onslaught dropped another metre of snow on our collective doorsteps.

So, Ottawa is up to 411 cm of cumulative snowfall. Interesting time to wade into the, hmm, the proverbial snowbank in search of some lost items...like some factual items. The National Post writer, in the meantime, exploits the relatively slow newsday by another Gore-bashing article.

http://www.nationalpost.com/most_popular/story.html?id=364265

What I have never understood about the climate change debate, about the politicized end of that debate, is the grasping at the straws by proponents of both the extreme accounts of the theory - either you hear the 'global warmers' shout at any instance when some warming trend has been detected somewhere...or you will hear the 'deniers' pointing out some trend that does not correspond with the alleged warming prediction. But not much middle ground.

So, I ask, where is the "change" in the climate change political equation?

When the original theory of climate change came out, and when the first large-scale computer modelling of its effects started, the buzzword was change. Including erratic patterns, unpredictability, loss of reliable benchmarks for certain weather related processes. Parts of the Earth were going to gradually warm up, even dessicate, while other parts would experience cooling. Cyclical effects such as La Nina and El Nino were going to be accentuated or more pronounced. Everyone was told -look, we can't predict a reliable range of outcomes but let's prepare for the unexpected. And let's study the issue further.

By now, you see an article after article about Anctartic ice sheets breaking off, extent of northern sea ice (it's actually bigger this year than it has been for a while), disappearing snows on Kilimanjaro and the more frequent flooding in places like England that haven't seen any major floods in decades. It's all got a negative, almost apocalyptic narrative running through it.

I admit, climate change is afoot. No doubt. I will even say, based on some education in the matter, we are partially to blame for it. But don't feed me the diet of "Earth is steadily getting warmer". That's too generalistic and will simply not mean a damn thing if I am to be the decision maker in some specific place, in a specific polity. There's no such thing as some generalized citizen of the world.

Consider Ottawa, with the Ottawa valley and the nearby Laurentians as the local region, local ecosystem. Are we experiencing climate change?Maybe. Are we getting warmer...? No one will be able to say "yes" if you ask a person on the street today. But are we experiencing more and more of the so-called extreme weather? That, in my mind, ought to be the question. The scientific and political question.

So, let's look at the past five winters:

2003/04 - very snowy, lots of cold spells

2004/05 - more snow than previous year, colder, too

2005/06 -mild winter, ended early

2006/07 - another mild winter, with a very warm January

2007/08 - long winter...411 cm of snow..but not the coldest on the record

Anyone detect a bit of chaos in this 5-year pattern?

Just a thought.

See the Light...Jeff Healey - 1966-2008

2008-03-05T14:17:00.002-05:00

I am a big fan of his work, and there's not much more to say than "rest in peace, and hope you'll be jamming with Jimmy Hendrix or some New Orleans jazzmen in the sky".

http://www.cbc.ca/photogallery/arts/1079/

Of horses and cows

2008-02-25T13:32:00.002-05:00

If you ever get interested in what contribution horses and cows have made to modern sculpture, there is one show and one show only that you should see. It's the Joe Fafard retrospective, currently on display at the National Art Gallery.

I'd viewed Fafard's creations before, in art magazines, but never actually seen them, first-hand, until yesterday.

The artist has devoted four decades of his life...and counting..to scultping objects out of clay, ceramic, and increasingly bronze and steel. He has sculpted people, too, but really found his stride with the animals. Some of the works are small, quirky and almost intimate, while many of the recent ones are huge, verging on heroic. If cows and horses can be heroic, that is. And funny. And twisted. And beautiful. And dead-pan, straight up realistic, too. Joe Fafard is someone who has grown up around and amidst farm animals, so he honors them by constructing their striking likenesses. Some of it is high-tech stuff: laser cut steel sheets and large scale (think life size and bigger) poured bronzes. There is also a 25 minute film created spcifically to give one a sense of the tremendous process that goes into creating these sculptures. I mean, the man works in conjuction with a foundry...yes, a foundry in a small Saskatchewan town.

In some ways, this show struck me as the most Canadian of all art objects. Our country was opened up largely with the help of horses and our fields tilled by farm animals, for generations. In some provinces, the rural economy still shows vestiges of that not-so distant pioneer era. It takes a small-town Prairie artist to tap into all of this, then mix it up, inject it with a good dose of Pop art, add a pinch or two or humour - and you have Joe Fafard, abridged version.

http://www.national.gallery.ca/english/584.htm#exhib744

Go and see the show. Much like the Ron Mueck exhibit last year, it'll be worth the admission price and more.

This poll demonstrates that...

2008-01-31T11:00:00.001-05:00

...on average, Republicans are jerks, and are becoming bigger jerks. You'd think that dealing with the problems of the poor would be important for a largely Christian base (this is kind of how I was brought up in my Catholic household).

Is terrorism really such a major concern for them as well? 86% of Republicans view terrorism as a major concern, while 76% viewed the economy as one. Really? At least it's no longer the #1 concern. While terrorism should be a concern, I don't view it as all that important, because in the end, there are many more people affected by other things in the world than terrorism. There are plenty of other things killing many more people, unless you live in Iraq.

I'm also interested that there are no points that really discuss America's place in the world (trade, immigration, and terrorism kind of touch on it, but I don't think these issues cover America's place in the world). That's important to me - how our country is playing in the world.

John Woo would be proud

2008-01-23T13:25:00.000-05:00

So, let's get this one started by saying - and I mean it quite earnestly - that one should be happy this is not happening on a regular basis in Ottawa. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080123.wbcgang23/BNStory/National/home

Apparently, gangsters shooting other gangsters is not going out of style, any time soon. This one reads like a true case of some of the incidents that populate the screen in the 'hard-boiled' fantasy Hong-Kong film school. Gun play, expensive restaurants, fancy cars, more gun play. No one is busting out awesome karate moves, though, as these are utterly useless against rapid automatic pistol fire.

I would not be so fundamentally troubled by organized crime feuds if they weren't playing out, or at least occassionally spilling out, into the public and semi-public space. The mafia, the wise guys, the Cosa Nostra, the Triads or whatever other shadowy association happens to be fighting for turf, sending high-profile messages or simply punishing and removing inconvenient competition...it is all a sordid but understandable price of doing this kind of business. I, for one, actually have sympathy for some of these guys as they tend to want to become 'respectable' businessmen, except the products they deal with are stuck in the strictly illegal zone.

What is troubling - and potentially a political powderkeg to go off - is the implication that a similar shooting, similar fight or assassination attempt could very well not only kill innocent bystanders but that it could kill a visiting celebrity, in a swanky part of a nice city like Vancouver. The effect would be like the Jane Cerba killing (Boxing Day shooting in Toronto), multiplied tenfold.

Imagine if the actor mentioned here or anyone of similar stature got "clipped" and either died or sustained a serious injury. The consequences would be harsh and the ripples would travel far, further than I can imagine at the moment. Imagine, if you will, headlines splashed across US and other foreign newpapers, advertising Vancouver as the destination where big-time actors get shot in random crime incidents, unable to protect themselves...imagine for a moment that all restaurants and night clubs were to start hiring body guards, frisking all customers, metal detectors and all. Police would have a heyday as well. Things we take for granted would get crazy and complicated, just like flying and cross-border business have become following the terrorist incidents of 9/11. Whenever crime has social stability repercussions, civil liberties and our own convenience suffer.

Having said all of this, I am aware of the homegrown Ottawa-area gang problem, even if it doesn't have the high-stakes appearance and the hyperviolent edge that Vancouver's 'scene' seems to be having. We have had history here, with Hells Angels, with Vietnamese crime syndicates, with the Italian-derived mob (centered mainly in Montreal these days but with branches in O-town) and also with the more low-key street gangs who are busy on the drug dealing front. Fatal shootings and stabbings happen here, too. What we haven't had - and I am tremendously relieved we haven't had it - is a gun fight say at "18" or Helsinki or Vineyards. We also haven't had the image of playground for internationally wanted mobsters. Let's keep it that way.

East vs West - the ski culture clash

2008-01-17T16:10:00.000-05:00

As someone who had originally spent many years in Calgary, close to the mountains and able to rip down some huge verticals and taste the powder (on the seasons we had powder) in the Rockies and the Purcells, I could be considered a ski snob. And the corrollary to that argument would have me not appreciating the skiing in Eastern Canada and being bored with the local hills.

After the last few years in this fine town and after having skied some of the Quebec ski resorts, I must admit...the hills are obviously not as big, the terrain not as scenic, the conditions not always reliable, at least when compared to the majestic and seemingly always snowy mountains out West. But I am learning the love the skiing (and snowboarding) culture out here.

When you ski at Sunshine Village, Lake Louise, Kicking Horse, or at the heavenly place known as Whistler, you are one of many. People come there for the views just as much as they come to glide down the slopes. Sure, the terrain is potentially awesome but it is only a small fraction of the clients who are actually able to ski it or ride it. For an elite skier, it's a dream come true on a clear, bluebird day, or after that dump of fresh pow'. But for most of the crowd on these hills, it's a trip to tackle congested blue runs, overpriced beers, coffee and snacks at the on-mountain lodges, a few hours spent negotiating all this terrain - and for a steep price. Sunshine used to cost 45 bucks when I'd started university in the early 90s, now it's almost 80 bucks for a daypass. Parking situation is getting crazy on all the major Alberta hills. The popularity of the venues also brings out the sheer snobs, who would otherwise not ski anywhere else. And, I couldn't help notice a lack of kid's races and events...there are too few people out West to support strong local ski club organizations.

By contrast, when you ski at Mt Ste Marie or at one of the rather miniature Ontario hills, or even at the much-higher Orford, Mt Ste Anne or Tremblant, you will be surrounded mainly by people who want to ski (or snowboard). No one is there for the stunning vistas of 3000 m peaks, no one has decided "it's nice today and there's nothing else to do, so I might as well hit the slopes", no one is there to take a pause from his 'regular' alpine touring or ice-climbing schedule. You are unlikely to rub shoulders with British lads on a Canadian drink-and ski expedition, high-rollers from Toronto or New York, or the ubiquitous groups of Japanese. No one is here squeezing in that one day on skis between the shopping, dining, spa at Banff Springs hotel or something like that. 95% of the people who ski out here are there because they love it, can not stand to go through the winter without practicing their religion so to speak, or because their kids are enrolled in a local ski training programme. Those people here who ski regularly are hard-core, dedicated, willing to go out on minus twenty five windchill days, put up with ice, flat light and generally shitty conditions. They will often drive ridiculously long distances or grab a very early morning bus, if there is one. There is never going to be a World Cup downhill event around these parts, even if some of the disciplines could actually be held on some of the runs.

When kids learn to ski in Ontario and Quebec, it's hard work and a school of hard knocks. It's not very trendy and, unlike junior hockey, not many girls chase after the best slalom skier in the school. And this is why Ontario and Quebec continue to produce some of the best technical skiers on the planet. Kate Pace, Brian Stemmle, Melanie Turgeon, Eric Guay, just to name a few from last fifteen years. And thousands of ordinary men and women who simply love the sport, the way of life, and make the trip to the local hill every weekend.

Sometimes, the best arguments for something...

2008-01-16T09:49:00.000-05:00

...are the arguments against it. For example, these specious arguments against wind power. I have no idea who Howard Hayden is. He appears to be an old grump who would rather a few smokestacks spewing out particulate matter, sulfur and nitrogen oxides than the much more attractive (to me, anyway) windmills that don't pollute as they generate.

Wind power already provides 20% of Denmark's electricity. So the U.S. must be a pretty special place if wind can never provide more than 10% of its power.

Other environmental concerns do exist, but that's why there's an environmental impact assessment process - to determine if the extent of those problems. Turbine blades turn slowly enough now that birds are at less risk from a turbine than they are from tall glass buildings.

Money, money, money

2008-01-14T10:57:00.000-05:00

Seeing that the last two pieces I'd contributed have been on civic events and on the strange turns of weather in the Ottawa valley, it's time for a departure into the land of green. As in the greenback, as in green with envy, as in the grass always being greener on the other side of the fence.

We now take it for granted that we live in a world where top pro athletes make huge money. We also take it for granted that NHL is a venerable institution, sometimes embattled and criticized, but always there in the background of the mind of the sportsfan...and more than that, it's really a national institution. And I think we can all agree that Alexander Ovechkin is one of the most talented humans to ever lace up a pair of skates and wield a hockey stick. I love to see his moves, it is like the highlight reel of the week, over and over. It's like the best Gretzky moves or the Stevie Y early years in Detroit, and the sick goals that Jaromir Jagr used to score for Pittsburgh, all combined in one package.

But, $124 million...over ten years? That is a lot of dough, ladies an gentlemen. Enough to buy out several smaller companies, enough to provide a sizable foreign development budget to a Third World country, enough to kickstart a major infrastructure project in a big city. If someone had agreed to donate $124 mil to a conservation-minded foundation, that would buy and protect lot of land, and I mean a lot of land. You could have a new national park for that and more. And if you're guarding the coast, you could refurbish a fleet of patrol ships and buy some state of the art helicopters, too.

When some athletes make this much money, I wonder if the "whatever the market can bear" adage is actually still relevant. It tells me that some players are worth ten other players - and that makes me ponder what it would feel like being one of those 'other' players, perhaps on the same roster, same dressing room, donning the same jerseys.

Those of us who play or have played competitive sports, especially on a high level, can attest to the fact that sports careers as such are highly varied and that it is an inherently unfair world. Some sports personalities may gain fame but can, at the same time, struggle to make ends meet, never mind make a pile of cash. So-called amateur sports are a ticket to poverty and inadequate Sports Canada grants (whatever these grants are called).

When I see a young guy like Ovechkin, all I see is someone who had bet on the right sport. Most athletes end up in non-paying or low-paying sports. The discussion need not be in abstract. Most of us know someone who has or is playing a game or n individual sport at the highest level. I know several nationally ranked, "carded" athletes who have all risen to the elite levels and represented Canada on international stages. My brother-in law rowed at the Henley regatta several times, went to the worlds, and narrowly missed out on the 92' summer Olympics. My former triathlon training buddy Marc (from the UCTC fame) posted some world-class times, competed on the World Cup triathlon circuit and donned the national team uniform as well. My friend Waine had competed twice at the world duathlon championships, once finishing the course with a broken arm (!) A guy from my high school ran the 100 m under 11 seconds and later got a big college football scholarship in the US. These are all exceptionally gifted, tough, resourceful people with phenomenal physical abilities. It makes me a bit sad that none of them ever saw any substantial sum of money, either from a sponsor, a circuit, or from the state.

In the meanwhile, a cool $124 million. Hope Ovechkin doesn't spend it all on himself.

Bobby Clarke should be suspended and fined

2008-01-10T08:41:00.000-05:00

OK, maybe, as an Ottawan, I have a beige outlook on sports teams. I tend to think that their players shouldn't attempt to damage the careers of individuals on other teams.

A while back, I wrote about the thuggishness of the Philadelphia Flyers. Shortly after that, another one of their players, Riley Cote, was suspended.

So when Steve Downie sucker punched Jason Blake, I thought, here we go again. The Broad Street Criminals are at it again. But why is a team consistently like this?

Those that know me well know that I have an intense dislike of Bobby Clarke. When I had a radio show in Kingston back in 2000-01, on several occasions I ranted about the standoff between he and Eric Lindros. Bobby Clarke is about the only man that could drive people to sympathise for Lindros. I think back to the incident when Lindros suffered a collapsed lung, and had he followed the Flyers' instructions, he may have died.

I'm building up to something here. That is, that Bobby Clarke is a despicable human being, and quite probably a sociopath. Approving of a sucker punch by one of his players is just another example of this. I think hockey would be a much more noble sport if they were to take his words and use them to finally let loose and give him a suspension and fine. And not a 1- or 2- game suspension. Something to show that they're serious about protecting their assets, their best players. When you have guys like Jason Blake and Patrice Bergeron, useful, productive players who give the fans what they want (i.e. scoring), being attacked by marginal players such as Steve Downie and Randy Jones, respectively, who are openly being egged on by their manager to do such things, you're robbing from hockey to appease the lowest common denominator. The game can do better. Punish Bobby Clarke - remove him for the rest of the season (perhaps the Flyers coach, Paul Holmgren, should suffer the same fate). That would teach them, and hopefully change the dynamic of the game.

Rain

2008-01-08T10:53:00.000-05:00

Last night, I made a point of walking up to the Samuel Champlain monument, perched above the river. It was the strangest scene and the most out-of norm weather I've ever witnessed, given that it was January 7th. And this is not a piece about the alarming march of climate change. It's a snapshot of an unsual moodswing in the Ottawa valley.

First, one couldn't see one shore of the river from the other through the thick, shifting fog that seemingly enveloped all objects. At one instant, the lights on the Parliament hill appeared hazy, as if many miles away - and that's from the middle of the Alexandra bridge. The next instant, they disappeared completely, shrouded in fog and rain. The cityscape took on a distinctly 19th century look, recalling book portrayals of Jack the Ripper's London - eerie, surprising, maybe treacherous. Remnants of Christmas light displays glowed faintly here and there, painting the fog various shades of green and blue. Below, the half frozen river sat still and partially obscured, breathing cold air like some glacier meandering through an alpine valley. The cloud of fog wasn't stationary, rather it drifted between the Quebec and Ontario shores and also rising and falling. And then the rain started to fall. Not the usual freezing rain of the season; an autumn night rain, droplets ample and heavy, soaking my hair and my coat in minutes. It felt oddly liberating and disconcerting at the same time...it was, after all, January 7th, and very few of us had ever been in the rain in Ottawa in mid-winter. Near the National Art Gallery, a random group of revellers who looked to be the fringes of a bachelor party or some bus tour were hollering "Signing in the Rain". A figure of the odd runner passed the bridge from time to time, soaked, clenched and animal-like in the raw elements; this is when humans resemble other creatures the most closely.

What I connected to the most the entire hour or so I'd spent in the fog and the rain was not how strange it was - it was the sheer immediacy of my sensory environment, the heightened feeling of exposure to the environment. I usually get that sense high up in the mountains or trekking through a wet forest, or out on a large expanse of water in a kayak. City life does not ordinarily create these experiences.

We could as well have a discussion about the La Nina effect or dissect the winter storm systems and their anomalies, or have the predictable commentary about global climate change. It would all be valid and to the point. What is wouldn't do is it would not capture an extraordinary moment in time, one of Nature's whimsically beautiful moods.

1857 and 1608, a tale of two cities

2008-01-03T12:51:00.000-05:00

So, with a mild hangover and another smallish snowstorm to welcome the New Year, Ottawa is safely into 2008.

What begun as a seemingly ambitious year, supposedly devoted to celebrating the 150th anniversary of good, ole' Bytown being named the nation's capital, became a procession of low-key, poorly advertised events, and eventually ended with spectacular fireworks, timed for 18:57 pm on New Year's eve.

The fireworks could have been the almost-saving grace as they were grand and strategically placed...however, I couldn't keep from thinking that this move should have welcomed the year 2007 instead, rather than closed off that year and brought in the 2008. Somehow, just like the overall year of mediocrity, the grand finale didn't appear to connect organically with most of the spectators. There was no ramping up to it, it was rather like a surprise symphony concert thrown randomly in some city park, with only a few posters put up the night before...the people I've spoken with barely seemed to notice that the event was connected to the 150th anniversary.

The press around the 1857 anniversary was low-key, too, throughout the year. We didn't even manage to provoke a proper controversy, apart from a few days of the summer when some 19th century lord had to be withdrawn from banners...someone complained that the said governor was, uhmm, not quite nice towards the French. Typical tempest in an Ottawa teapot. Over-managed and superficially slick, indifferent from pretty much any other year.

More on that...Unlike this year's Quebec anniversary of the first settlers' arrival in 1608, there was no central focus, no specific historical gala or something akin to a pageant. When you consider Quebec's 400-year celebrations, as much as they are being downplayed, the press loves the very idea of them, even the PM was asked about it during his New Year's day fireside chat on CTV...is the Queen going to be there, and if not, why not? To mark the anniversary, there's a spectacular outdoor performance by exactly 400 dancers, and there are other massive scale events planned in the lead-up to the October 19th finale. Half of the games in the men's world hockey championships this year will be staged in Quebec city ( contrast this with the 2007 junior FIFA championships, a great tournament to be certain, where games were held sprinkled throughout Canada, with the Ottawa venue essentially feeding on round-robin games and other morsels, not even getting to host a semi-final). Unlike the nation's capital last year, Quebec is sure to seize the spotlight on their big anniversary. Europeans will come there in droves and spend their strong euros, schools will send busloads of naughty schoolgirls (and boys) to drink and break curfews through the old town in the name of education, and some dude will don a Samuel Champlain period costume and wade to the shore. Even Celine Dion will leave Vegas for a while and party with les habitants. (okay, I don't exactly like her but what the heck, she's the prodigal daughter) It'll be brighter and merrier than usual - unlike Ottawa which was exactly the same in 2007 as it is on other years.

I plan on writing more, on other random topics, but this one had to be put out of the way first.

Well done, Bytown, you get the totally unsurprising 6.5 out of 10 for your party! And that's with the Russian judge being heavily bribed, too.

Resolutions and such

2008-01-02T12:24:00.000-05:00

Welcome to 2008. I hope you're all recoved from hang-overs and fake resolutions and what not.

I'm thinking my resolution is that I'm going to retire from this blog. To be honest, my heart just isn't in it any more and my head is in a space that requires more thinking in other areas.

Merry Christmas From Soviet Russia!

2007-12-21T13:22:00.000-05:00

In Russia, you only get Vodka and Santa takes your gifts.

If you haven't sent out your holiday cards yet (HURRY! Time's almost up) then please use this link to print your own Soviet era Russian Christmas greetings.

Happy non-denominational festive season

2007-12-21T08:24:00.001-05:00

Dear reader,

Some of the authors of Ottawa Beige are leaving the city for a while over the festive season. I'll be taking a break (to which you're probably saying "Break!?!? You never freaking write, Umar!") to small town Eastern Ontario, myself, and will not be doing much of anything until I get back.

Leaving the city for a few days will remind us that in spite of having a Mayor who's been charged with a very serious crime (and knowing that 47% of our neighbours voted for the guy), being surrounded by silly servants, and being covered in over 1.5 m of snow in the past month, Ottawa's not too bad.

That said, I'll be keeping my eye on the beigery through 2008. I think my fellow beige correspondents will be doing the same.

Wishing you an excellent holiday season.

Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely Predict Future for Ottawa's Mayor

2007-12-12T14:11:00.000-05:00

This is for all of you that think the Mayor looks like Lex Luthor, what with the baldness and generally giving off vague waves of spitefulness and evil.

Read All-Star Superman. It really is quite excellent.

Once Again With the Crazy

2007-12-12T10:22:00.001-05:00

I really wish I lived in whichever reality Mayor Larry O'Brien has chosen to create for himself. After convincing himself and council that having a lawyer telling them "For the love of god and all that is holy shut the fuck up about this or you could get sued!" is a open consultation with Council and the public, he's somehow interpreted that as a resounding endorsement to continue unimpeded. He's also claiming to have resounding support from the public, you know, except for anyone interviewed for any media or asked about it in general.

And your bus fees will be going up to $5.25. Merry Christmas and happy zero percent.*

This is a tough situation, yes, it's unprecedented but do the right thing for once and step aside until it's cleared up. The citizens that elected you want you to step aside, try doing right by them for once. And Councillors need to be shaken awake on this as well and not defer responsibility to representing the citizens that elected them back to the citizenry itself. There is a massive void of people I have any respect for in local politics at the moment, I'm basically disgusted by the lot of them and will now use them as examples to any children I know of what they don't want to turn into when they become adults. Self-importance, Self-delusions an plain old selfishness are not qualities we require in elected officials.

The only thing I feel bad about for the Mayor is that this Kilray guy is a special brand of nutjob all his own. Then again, the OPP wouldn't lay charges if there wasn't any questions of innocence. Me, I'm totally innocent of bribery charges and I know this because I've never ever had to go to court to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that I never tried to bribe anyone. It's a simple system really. So, yeah, he deserves the benefit of the doubt, especially when looking at the accusor, but c'mon, there was enough evidence present to cast that innocence into doubt in the first place.

*Offer not valid in Ottawa city limits.

I'm not going to write much on this, but...

2007-12-10T11:45:00.000-05:00

Here's hoping that the charges against Larry O'Brien stick. And that Ottawa gets a mayor that, you know, doesn't "break" the "law" (allegedly - innocent until proven guilty) to get into City Hall.

This member of the public says STEP DOWN! Well, I'd say that regardless of the charges, but this should be a last straw for Mayor O'Brien's reign of beigery.

Okay This Whale Might get Bullied, but he'll at Least Have a Bright Future

2007-12-05T10:36:00.000-05:00

I was going to post some rules for proper sidewalk usage today when I came across this and had to show it to all four of you reading this blog.

Lesson learned: If you ask the internet to name a whale, get ready for geek sarcasm to win out every single time.

I'm not sure why I love this so much. It's either the actual name, that it's a bunch of geeks being way more charismatic than Greenpeace activists or for the fact that it proves my theory that people really into the green movement aren't ready to deal with reality. Seriously, you know there was a bunch of people sitting around trying to come up with some kind of airy fairy name for their whale like Iko or somekind of name that means something like "dream" in another language they don't actually speak.

Today, I love humanity because of this.

He's not Conservative Blue, just plain old Yellow

2007-12-04T09:42:00.000-05:00

After the reams of concerned questions posted to their website the CBC Radio show Search Engine was informed that Industry Minister Jim Prentice would not be appearing on their show in order to publicly defend Canada's New Government's™ draconian copyright proposal.

Funny, how these gents are hell bent on proposing business friendly legislation as all costs, especially to Canadian consumers. But this legislation is also a wolf in sheep's clothing for any businesses concerned. When similar legislation went through in the States many companies either went bankrupt or are now on the verge of bankruptcy because of the exorbitant amount of lawsuits they’ve enacted on tens of thousands of their own customers, all while forgoing such rights as fair use and please don’t ask any musicians or artists whose works they pretend this protects if they’ve received any extra funds from this activity.*

This is weak posturing that ensures Canada's New Government is selling your rights and your culture to American Companies.**

* They haven't.

** Although, if they remove our rights to satirise anything this may be the long overdue death of The Royal Canadian Air Farce, which I will heartily embrace. Same with the post-Mercer/Walsh This Hour Has 22 Minutes. The only thing they contribute to Canadian culture is our ridiculous insistence to air comedy that isn't actually funny in the least.

The hilarious rantings of a lunatic

2007-11-30T16:29:00.001-05:00

OK, so I have to admit that I was never that big on the rantings of evangelical Christian preachers. I grew up Catholic, and didn't have to deal with all of the fire-and-brimstone and anti-science that some Evangelicals put out there (well, maybe I did hear it, but I was probably too busy bugging my brothers or hoping the next hymn wouldn't suck). In Catholic school in Kingston, we learned evolution, and we learned to be critical of religion, even our own to an extent. And one of the lessons that I remember from Gr. 9 and Gr. 10 religion with the late Father Stan and Mr. Korczynski was that, well, a lot of the fundamentalist religions and preachers are just plain nutty and weird, with their speaking in tongues and, uh, odd interpretations of religion (well, yeah, that Bible's a nice read, but why don't you try this one written by Joe Smith, as dictated to him by the angel Moroni?)

Anyhow, all this to say that I never paid any attention to guys like Jerry Falwell. And, well, I think I see why. That man was an absolute nutjob. Did the syphilis get his brain for him to have been this off his rocker?

I need to reprint the following lines, just for good measure.

---------------------

WHAT IS BEHIND THE ALARMISM OVER GLOBAL WARMING?

(1) To Create Major Economic Damage to America.

Experts predict that a universal compliance with the Kyoto Accords or any such proposal being promoted by the Al Gores of this world would cost the global community over $550 trillion and would cost the U.S. about $352 billion almost immediately. For starters, Americans would be assessed 35 cents per gallon of gasoline.

(2) The Desire To Change the Subject Concerning the World’s Moral Bankruptcy.

(3) Most importantly, it is Satan’s Attempt to Re-direct the Church’s Primary Focus.

------------------

Riiiiight... So the Church shouldn't worry about the poor in its flock who are subject to greater vulnerability to the worst impacts of climate change. I thought that was one of Jesus' greatest laws - you know, the whole "Love thy neighbour as thyself" (Matthew 22:39). I also remember the line "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers and sisters you do to me" (Matthew 25:40). So I guess guys like Falwell have to believe that climate change isn't happening, or else they may have to change their lifestyles because, well, they might be contravening the word of their Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Also, apparently, people who care about greenhouse gas emissions and climate change are all a bunch of pinko commies. That's what I think when I hear the names Ray Anderson, founder of Interface Flooring, Lars Josefsson, the President and CEO of Vattenfall, a large Swedish utility, and Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of General Electric. Apparently, they're all a bunch of pinko commies, because they're trying to make their companies greener (and maybe make a bit of money at it, but apparently being green means not making any money, right Rev. Falwell?).

Phew... I'm done with this rant.

CBC's Search Engine is taking questions for Jim Prentice on the new Copyright Bill

2007-11-30T09:17:00.001-05:00

I've gone and posted my questions for the Minister of Industry and I encourage everyone to go post a question to find out how restricting the rights of you as a consumer, and Canadian, will benifit you in any possible way.

There is a lot of good stuff there already, but please take part. My question is being processed and should be up when it's approved, but I like all the questions about whether or not we'll still pay levies on blank media if they will be legislated to have anti-copy devices in them that make them, essentially, unusable. So if you pay to download music to your iPod you wouldn't be able to move it to any other computer you own, but as of now you pay a levie on the iPod because they claim you should be buying the song you want to listen to again. They do it on blank cassettes and CDs as well, in case you use them for transferring music, etc. Forget about backing up anything you have.

Have fun.

How it all went down

2007-11-29T10:03:00.000-05:00

Here's a brilliant fly-on-the-wall news coverage story of how the whole selling Canadian culture to American executives who want to abuse copyright thing went down.

Soon Reading This Will Be Illegal

2007-11-28T09:33:00.000-05:00

I was just getting my morning dose of awesome and interesting from Boing Boing when I came across Corey Doctrow’s post about Canada’s new proposed DMCA (Digital Millenium Copyright Act). The proposal to be tabled by Jim Prentice is essentially one of the worst abuses of consumer rights ever proposed. Not only will it make it illegal to move media from one device to another, it would make it illegal to watch/listen to your movies or music on another device if the company that made the original goes out of business. There is a no exceptions portion to the anti-circumvention clause.

So get ready to become a criminal if you attempt to parody, time-shift, or try any other modern fair usage. It also makes it illegal for you to circumvent any anti-copy aspects in any device you own, such as a Windows Vista PC, game console, or cable box. You would not be permitted to modify these items without consent from the manufacturer, who is most always US based.

So while you can record a show to watch later at the moment, under the new DMCA you would lose that right. In essence the next time an immigrant gets killed with a taser and you catch it on your camera phone you would violate the proposed DMCA when it is transferred or copied. Or, say you’re a teacher who wants to make photocopies of a passage from a book for your students? Sorry, that too would violate this act.

By adding little digital policemen to devices you will lose your current rights as a Canadian to American business and lobbyists. I’m amazed at how Canada’s New Government™ is very much America’s Whipping Boy.

Colour this AWESOME!!!

2007-11-27T17:01:00.000-05:00

Wow. This is an interesting colour of awesome. Go Korean high schools.

On a side note, I found a link to this video at the Guardian's Environment site, on an article about the poor environmental performance of the Football Association. The Guardian is more than a sight better than any equivalent of a North American newspaper on environmental topics (at least, those that I've seen - please correct me if I'm wrong). On top of that, it is often found exhorting the U.K. to progress further, and join its Nordic and Teutonic neighbours as environmental leaders. Having finally been to the U.K. for a couple of days on my return from a work meeting last week, I can see that there remains a fair bit of work to do (housing standards for energy efficiency do need to be ratcheted up, and recycling needs to become more ubiquitous), but they're generally ahead of us on this environmental game.

This has nothing to do with Ottawa, but...

2007-11-27T10:46:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else absolutely disgusted by cheap shots delivered by the Philadelphia Flyers this year? First Steve Downie, then Jesse Boulerice, then Randy Jones, and now Scott Hartnell.

That's in two months. Disgusting. There's a pattern showing up here - and suspending mediocre players (OK, Hartnell's fairly decent) doesn't look to be enough to stop it. A more severe punishment should be administered at some point - deducting points, or suspending their general manager or coach for a few games might do the trick.

Emma Clarke - you made my day

2007-11-27T10:01:00.000-05:00

Having come to Ottawa via London I am extremely familiar with the Tube Lady's announcements. I'm sad and disappointed in that city's officials for firing her over some spoof mp3s she's recorded and posted on her own website. They are exceptionally brilliant and can be found in the meantime on metafilter. Reading these false announcements has really made my day because they are just brilliant life observations that are pretty much applicable to any city.

They are all favourites, but in particular I like:

We'd like to remind our American tourist friends that you are almost certainly talking too loud."

and

"Here we are again, crammed into a sweaty tube carriage. And today's Wednesday - only two more days until you can binge drink yourself into a state of denial about the mediocrity of you life. Oh, for Goodness sake, if you're female smile at the bloke next to you and make his day. He probably hasn't had sex for months"

When Hippies and Tolkein Collide

2007-11-23T13:38:00.000-05:00

Holy crap this is awesome.

Senator's Pay Per View

2007-11-23T10:58:00.001-05:00

So last night I was watching the Senators' Pay Per View game on Rogers. It cost me $11, and I should have learned my lesson the first time. Last year, we didn't get the entire second period versus New Jersey and when it did come back it was the local American Channel. I made the mistake of believing my $11 would allow me to avoid watching commercials and since it was advertised as Sens TV, that I would actually get a pro Senators bent.

Well the same fucking thing happened last night against Pittsburgh. The broadcast shorted out and suddenly I'm getting the local Pittsburgh feed. I called Rogers about the problem and I am absolutely disgusted by their customer service.

I did manage to get through the entire call without yelling but only because I'm at work so I can distract myself during the long telephone trees that don't give you the proper section (I went with billing since I wanted my $11 back), and the infinite timelessness of being put on hold.

Rogers then tried to blame me for the interuption in service. They said that I could have hit the SAP setting on my TV. My TV doesn't have a digital feed. In fact I had to buy an adaptor to hook my dvd player to it because it only has a cable connection on the back. I expect it to increase in value any day on the antique market. So, they said that I hit a button when the blue screen of death appeared with "PLEASE STAND BY" in white block letters. Then when the Pittsburgh feed appeared and the text scrawled across the bottom said that the Senators feed was experiencing technical difficulties, that too was somehow my fault. Also, I was the first person to call so they were unaware of any problems.

I called on Friday at 10:30 a.m. I ask that anyone who called before that time with the same exact complaint let me know so we can definately, with finality, be able to call Rogers a bunch of fucking liars. Is that seriously what passes for customer service? Blame the customer for something that was publicly apologized for?

Personally, I treat these calls as if they are an improvisation game where you can never say the word "yes" or anything else that can be recorded as an agreement for them to remix when you sue them. Never say yes when you are calling a customer service line, but don't be total dickhead either, it's not the person on the phone's fault.

I got my eleven bucks back. I encourage you all to do the same. That wasn't the service you paid for, so don't complain, act accordingly. Unless, I was the only house in all of Ottawa that lost the pay-per-view service and that message was entirely just for me.

Time to head to CBC to register my experience.

Moment of reflection on our finest

2007-11-22T13:05:00.000-05:00

All right folks, I admit Ottawa Beige is not an ideal soapbox to comment on the burning...pardon me, electrifying, issues of the day, and that I rarely wade into debate that has something to do with the police.

I've been a spectator to the Taser use controversy just like most of us have been. I do not have background in crime prevention or crowd control although I know enough kung fu to seriously disable an unarmed attacker. I also do not buy into the 'cop-hating' subculture that's rife out there, in some communities, especially south of the 49th and in the demi-monde of gangsta hip-hop - nor do I have frequent fantasies of being some kind of a Judge Dredd figure. Never been unfairly arrested or had an altercation with the cops and only spent one evening at a station, years ago for a suspected DUI...and got released, with an apology and a cab fare home. So, my opinions are the regular white dude opinions.

In order to have a balanced discussion on this hot-button topic, I say let's get a few facts straight and establish a couple of baseline conditions.

One, police officers of all stripes need adequate protection and response capability. Too many RCMPs and other officers have been dying in line of duty lately. Overwhelming response to a threatening situation is actually one of the longest-standing principles of police intervention - subdue or take down a person who is threatening or uncooperative, or who might have a weapon. It's been happening for ages.

Two, electrocuting people is never a 'safe' alternative to firing an actual gun. Yes, it might have much lower odds of actually killing someone than if you fire a bullet into them, but to send a strong electric current through someone is a potentially lethal action, only a step or two away from inducing a heart attack. Countless studies have been done on what the odds are in supposedly 'responsible' Taser use but no one has come forward with figures of what happens when policemen use a stun gun repeatedly on someone, and especially on someone who already has a condition that makes them susceptible to a heart attack.

Three, one can be trigger-happy with a Taser or a similar weapon just as they can be trigger-happy with the real deal. It is not the weapon, it is the person wielding it who is responsible for over-reacting. The old service revolver gets issued with the precaution that it should be fired only when absolutely necessary, when the officer's life is in danger. I wonder what the rules are for electric stun guns and how they compare.

Fourth, when a bunch of RCMPs acting like cowboy extras on the set of a spaghetti western end up killing a distraught, not-quite mentally stable, non-English speaking immigrant, you bet Canada is not going to be in Poland's good books. Not for quite some time. I saw the Polish ambassador at an event this Tuesday...and he is pissed off (as dignified as he might seem), according to reliable sources. If this happened to a Canadian at the Krakow airport, we'd be up in arms, too.

Last but not least, our country's popular image of the RCMP is changing. Not for the better. The innocence we used to collectively have about 'our finest'

So, these are the baseline conditions. I invite our readers to form their own conclusions and theories.

Survival of the Fittest

2007-11-22T11:16:00.001-05:00

So the first snow has fallen, woo hoo! Outdoor skating is now only weeks away and The Weather Network (and pretty much any weather forecaster) has become a prophet of doom.

I love winter.

Last night I couldn't watch my local forecast on The Weather Network because it was a red storm warning screen telling me there was snow coming. Has it really come to this? That snow is now something to fear?

I remember a few years ago when Rick Mercer made fun of The Weather Network for talking about snow bombs. You know what a snow bomb is? It's flurries.

You know what happens every year in Canada? It starts to snow at some point. Do we really need to be the victims of weather terrorism whenever snow falls? Sure, people need to adjust their driving habits but guess what? The same thing happened last year and, well, since there have been cars really. I can imagine what our ancestors are thinking - bunch of stinking pansies, it's snow for god's sake.

One thing I noticed on my walk into work today: there are people who like their job more than their lives. I need to cross a highway off ramp (it goes from the 417 to O'Connor/Isabella) and people weren't waiting for the light there as cars were coming off the highway. Two smokers did this in the last two days. I thought is was tobacco, but really I smell Darwin Award there. Do you really need to get to work THAT badly that you can't wait until the speeding tonne of metal has managed to come to a stop on a frozen road?

And to the guy who decided to speed through a yellow light at O'Connor and Lisgar yesterday while going through a massive puddle that almost splashed me, my wife but got the woman in front of us: Fuck you dickweed.

Why Ottawa sucks - and also why it doesn't

2007-11-20T11:25:00.000-05:00

With the fall season fully upon us and the London-like fog occassionally descending on the river and greyness all around, the social temperature of the Beige City is actually increasing, a bit.

As a sometime optimistic counter-voice to Jon's dark musings, I feel it is incumbent on me to occassionally sing praises to the small steps the capital takes, once in a while, towards being less obviously beige...

There was the rather debaucherous Food&Wine show, emphasis on wine, squarely on the wine. I enjoyed myself thoroughly, as did thousands of other people who'd passed through those gates. Of course, the Congress centre is not really the ideal environment for an epicurean event like this, but it is the venue we have. It is central, within the necessary stumbling distance of other places the visitors may want to go...as if there was anywhere else to go, given that one is always, and I mean always, mildly toasted after the Food&Wine show and it is difficult to find a way out of the drunken labyrinth. 4 stars out of 5.

Now, the EU Film Festival is playing. It would be, and I am emphasizing 'would', a world-class event considering its many films, some of them cutting-edge and already very successful in their own countries or all over Europe. It would be a great event if all the embassies and high commissions involved in organizing it actually threw receptions afterwards - and if, and that's asking a lot, some of the actors or directors from the featured films actually dropped by the festival, for a night or two. Although I go every year, fourth year in a row, the EU Festival leaves me hungry for more; not necessarily more film, but more beer and pretzels and cookies. There seems to be a downward trend with the snacks, a very unfortunate situation. 3 stars out of 5, on a good night.

I have also realized we lack in regular, high-voltage sports events other than the beloved Sens games. The Junior World Cup of soccer was fantastic, a real treat for me personally as a player and a fan of the game, not to mention it was simply one of the highlights of Ottawa life this year. We were extremely fortunate to have high-level matches held here, with the likes of Argentina, Mexico and Czech Republic teams strutting their moves and scoring spectacular goals. The audiences were lively and "into it". Of course, there was almost nowhere to retire after leaving the stadium; all the pubs and bars along the Bank street in the Glebe are small and woefully unprepared for the influx of additional hundreds of soccer fans who want to drink and hang out. If this were England, people would have been enjoying their pints in the streets, if it was good ol' Deutschland, they would have constructed temporary beer gardens. But not us, not in Ottawa. Weak, very weak...

What I would like to see in this city, as a tennis fan, is the occassional high-end tournament or at least an exhibition match between top ranked pros. People play tennis in this city. There are plenty of tennis clubs and small-time competitions. But no "Capital Open". We have to go to Montreal or Toronto to enjoy ATP calibre tennis.

Years ago, I recall watching an exhibition match in Calgary. Ivan Lendl and Jimmy Connors slugged it out in the Saddledome. Amazing. I say, bring on the Federer-Sampras series or something similar. I'd be lining up in a second.

http://www.atptennis.com/1/en/2007news/federer_sampras1.asp

Yeah, we could do better, in this supposedly capital city.

Not quite the tallest midgets

2007-11-15T13:15:00.001-05:00

Once again it's time to celebrate how utterly dull Ottawa is with the Xpress "Best of Ottawa" issue. I have a love hate relationship with lists. I like to make my own but I tend to hate everyone else's. I need to make the joke every single year that the best of Ottawa is like voting on the tallest midget, only Ottawa wouldn't actually have the tallest midget but they would have an exceptionally tall one.

I tend to like the music and art category because, well, they actually change, but otherwise all the list means to me is that the Manx gets more crowded for the next month or so, which is a slight inconvenience on my part.

My history with this list is a few years ago when I decided to read it in order to try a new Indian restaurant. It was a disaster of epic proportions. I remember telling my wife, then girlfriend, that I don't know if I trust a list voted on by people from Ottawa, they're a bland bunch. My concern that the Indian restaurant would be this bland imitation of Indian food. If only that was it. No what happened was by far the worst restaurant experience I have ever had with a minor wait for a table then being asked to move tables, taking drink orders that show up just as we put on our jackets out of frustration on waiting for them to show up, a similar wait before our orders are taken then the wrong food shows up and then, after a similar wait, our actual order shows up - cold. Never went back and never looked to the best of Ottawa for advice on where to eat. Lesson learned, should have followed my instincts. We joke that it was totally karma, seeing as it was invented in India - now we don't cheat on our Indian place unless someone invites us.

I guess I was just spoiled coming from London, UK where any hole in the wall curry joint (especially the ones that deliver) knocks the socks off of any curry I've had here.

Anway, I'm glad we won most ignored Ottawa based blog - you won't find it on the list, therefore, mission accomplished.

I'd like to thank my fellow contributors, ...

Spider-menace Now in Brazil

2007-11-14T08:41:00.000-05:00

by J. Jonah Jameson

Not satisfied with being a menace to the citizens of New York, Spider-man has decided to disguise himself as a five-year-old Brazilian boy. That's right, a child in a Spider-man costume endangered his own life to run into a burning building to save a one-year-old child.

I'm ready to call it quits.

2007-11-13T11:55:00.000-05:00

Somehow I get the feeling that the Ottawa City Council is actually anti-urban. It is understandable that this is the result of the four downtown ridings voting overwhelmingly for Alex Munter in the last election. Every single day I hear about more inevitable cuts to the core amenities that make any city worth living in. This mayor and city council are all but ensuring that Ottawa will be a burnt out husk of a core (yes, more so than it is already) and a suburban wasteland that treats any non-home owner as a burden.

I see a future that is much bleaker than any Orwellian dystopia because it isn’t fictional. It is inevitable that this will be a city of retirees because it simply won’t have the amenities that attract young talented individuals to this city. In fact, it’s getting to the point of driving me away. The city is about to eviscerate itself and ensure that nobody will want to come here.

If anyone remembers what Ottawa was like in the seventies and eighties, get ready for a flashback. This will be a government suburb, with little else. And you better have a car because you won’t be able to afford the bus if you are lucky to actually find one. You better not have any form of disability or addiction because there won’t be any places to get a roof or meal. Think you could just kill time at the library? Think again, it'll be gone too. Etc. etc. etc. And most importantly, you better not want to live anywhere outside of the suburbs because it will be made the most inconvenient place to live in Ontario.

Congratulations. I guess they really are running city hall like an Ottawa based business. I just wonder if they realize they can’t actually sell it to an American company like IBM.

Dumbass nation

2007-11-09T14:47:00.000-05:00

I am quite used to Canadians not being exactly world leaders in knowing about geography, history, civics and all that. It's not surprising that our primary schools do a poor job of imparting that knowledge to kids; when one considers we compare ourselves constantly with the Americans, it is a low performance bar indeed.

But the following survey results shocked even the seasoned cynical me.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20071108.whistory1109/BNStory/Front

So, let me get this straight. Over half of our kids and teenagers, based on this sample, don't know that Harper is the Prime Minister. More than likely, they think Canada has a president. And, and I hope they were kidding when this was said (but sadly, I know, deep inside, they weren't kidding)...Abraham Lincoln?! WTF! What else don't the kids know, that's the question.

At the risk of sounding like a crusty old conservative, our crappy schools, from the cute Grade 1 to the uber-cool, tall Grade 12, need a serious overhaul. I still distinctly remember arriving in Canada and starting Grade 10 later that year; I was relieved that the science and math were so easy, about a year and a half behind the equivalent European curriculum. That meant I could concentrate on learning English and absorbing as much vocabulary as possible, instead of hitting the rest of the course books...and, amazingly enough, I actually won the Grade 10 'Most Outstanding student award'. It shocked me - there is no reason some other kid, with English as thier first language, should not have finished first in the grade averages, especially counting in the language classes and social studies.

When I see high schoolers walking by, my reaction isn't, unfortunately, 'hey, look, future of the nation' or "I wonder if there's the next Roger Banting or Robert Polanyi among these kids". You know, the genius, the pusher of boundaries, the intellectual ass-kicker. Or simply the next competent family doctor, the next policeman on the block, the next soccer coach.

No, when I see high-school kids walking by, I'm thinking, "here go just another bunch of baggy-assed ruffians with iPods in their ears", and "my, oh my, they didn't make high school girls like that when I was their age..."

Well, I might be a touch prejudiced - but the stats bear out the inconvenient truth. Let's get cracking here and start educating kids about some essentials.

Ottawa's Fiscal Planning

2007-11-07T15:16:00.000-05:00

Today our penis shaped mayor held a morning meeting to tell everyone how he would achieve his absolute promise to not raise taxes. What resulted was me being incredibly thankful I'm not a homeowner in Ottawa, not to mention feeling incredibly smug for having voted for the other guy. Anyway, the only aspect of zero that was presented was in the areas of facts and information.

So eleven months after he's plundered the reserves to minimize an increase we still don't have a plan for the city's finances. Lucky me, I can make up some options for what we can expect to see for the city's budget:

Letter to Santa asking for one hundred million dollars.
Instructions on rubbing hands together and laughing maniacally then running to the trap door at the back of the council chamber to escape via a convenient rocket backpack disguised as a fuse box.
Zero tax increase budget only leaves enough for one full body mayor waxing, which is simply unconscionable.
The choice is yours: more taxes or we kick you in the nuts until we can steal your wallet without you chasing us down.
Council repeals scavaging by-law, use own cars for recycling pick up.
Police riot gear now hammered flat diet coke cans.
All chairs for remaining six employees converted to power generating treadmills.
Returning to Hull Casino and putting it all on black.
Councillors are encouraged to stop wiping selves with salary excesses.
Parking enforcement now outsourced to kids with matches and spraypaint.
Converting public's ability to choke back reason, rage and self-respect into revenue generating energy Ottawa can sell to surrounding communities.
Generate revenue by selling tickets to Ottawa Morning where Kathleen Petty publicly evicerates mayor, again.
Bake sale.
Plans to run the city like the Ottawa Rough Riders, strike that, like the Ottawa Renegades, no wait, I mean like the next CFL team that absolutely won't screw up their finances like we did. Hey look, I can throw a football. Yeah, people sure do love football.
All dissenting members of council and the public invited to air their concerns at meeting held in the lower south side stands of Frank Claire Stadium.

CanLit Primer

2007-11-06T16:07:00.001-05:00

Or; How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Never Join a Book Club

Welcome new reader to the first and only introductory seminar to the wonderful world of Canadian Literature. What you’ll get here isn’t a list of great Canadian Fiction or required reading but a primer in how to tell something will be praised or even classified as CanLit. You see, CanLit is a genre just like Noir Detective Fiction, Sci-Fi, Historical Fiction, Bodice Rippers, or Dystopian.

The assumed qualification for CanLit is that the author resides in Canada. That’s really the starting assumption but the genre is actually based on tropes and not particularly limited to geographic boundaries. Instead I posit that the genre is based on three main components I call the triumvirate of abuse.

In order to be considered CanLit, and in turn qualify for any CanLit prizes, a work of fiction must contain 2 of the following 3 aspects, if not all three in some combination:

1) Physical Abuse,

2) Sexual Abuse/Incest; and

3) Alcohol Abuse.

If your work of fiction fails to contain a minimum of 2 of these aspects it will forever be shunned as popular fiction and therefore not to be considered of any benefit to the Canadian Literary tradition of CanLit. A potential fourth aspect is a rural setting, if not poverty and misery in general, particularly if the setting is urban. However, setting is not particularly important for any claims a work of fiction may have to CanLit status as long as the triumvirate of abuse is used to proper effect.

If you attempt to forgo the required triumvirate of abusive plot points your novel must be set in India, or, only if you are a curmudgeonly charming English speaking Jew, Montreal.

There are a few additional aspects that will tend to work against your attempts at inclusion into the genre, and in particular qualify your work for any CanLit award. Do not, under any circumstances be born a white English speaking male. Quebecois is okay but you will only benefit from having some form of surname that is foreign to the English speaker or reader. Women authors should never attempt to style their hair or pronounce words at an audible level when reading from their works in public. Although that does not affect the quality of work it does help in creating a campaign to being considered a serious CanLit author.

Please note that your novel must be a test of your reader’s fortitude and by no means should attempt to entertain them. You’ve suffered as a CanLit author, and by gum, your reader should suffer with you. Remember, the triumvirate of abuse is your go to metaphor for the audience’s experience not just the basis of the CanLit genre and award system. Completed, successful, or well written stories are of no regard in light of these core fundamentals of CanLit.

Next week we will cover how setting your novel in Cape Breton is a coal mine for the abusive triumvirate.

Um, kettle, meet pot.

2007-11-05T15:01:00.000-05:00

Apparently there is a minor uproar over a poster of Lord Durham. He was part of Ottawa becoming the capital, however there are claims by a Quebecois group that having this poster up is a slap in the face to Quebec. So the poster has been taken down, because you know we wouldn't to learn unfiltered history or anything now would we?

The reason? He thought French speakers should assimilate into English Canada.

Maybe he should be called to the reasonable accomodation hearings?

Just saying.

Remember, remember, the Fifth of November

2007-11-05T11:14:00.000-05:00

Happy Bonfire Night (aka Guy Fawkes Day).

I’ve decided that for the holidays I will not purchase any gifts from businesses that are advertising for Christmas before Remembrance Day. As of now, I will not purchase anything from Canadian Tire and Best Buy. I’m limiting it to television commercials so far, which is probably good for a lot of companies since I have a really busy schedule this week and won’t end up not knowing what to do so I turn on the television. Also, I don't really want to go hunt out window displays out of spite but if one strikes me as too much, they're out too.

My feeling is that we can wait until after we’ve honoured our veterans and soldiers to start advertising for deals on HD tvs, laptops, potentially toxic decorations, and various assorted sundries.

Le Sigh

2007-11-02T10:54:00.000-04:00

I came across this gem of an article today after my wife pointed out what happened yesterday, I believe. Only in Quebec will one of the greatest hockey players and genuinely respected athletes be criticised for not knowing French. Saku Koivu already speaks Finnish, Swedish and English, which is more than pretty much every Canadian (and Quebecer) who stuggles with two languages, if not one.

This is the guy who the Montreal Canadiens franchise is built upon, is the Captain of the team, who beat non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and has been selected by the Olympic Athletes to represent them on the Athlete's Commission of the IOC. Maybe the Parti Quebecois needs to jump on that religious schools bandwagon or just build a large Berlinesque wall around the province to really get in touch with voters.

Saku, you'd be welcome in Ottawa. In fact, I'll trade Redden for you.

The Horror Week: Day 4 – Post-Horrorocolypse

2007-11-01T09:16:00.001-04:00

Since yesterday’s post was simply too terrifying and horrorific for human minds to handle the space-time-continuum ripped it asunder. Or, perhaps I just didn’t really have a good joke. Either way, you’re sanity was saved for another day.

So as you raise your head from the weary sleep of the sugared dead to face the unflinching reality of the work week you can remain assured that a chiropractor in Orleans has your back. Yep during our severe shortage of family doctors and lack of access to specialized clinics there’s a doctor in Orleans who will x-ray your children’s Halloween candy to make sure there aren’t any foreign metal objects in it. What the means is to make sure there aren’t any pins, needles or razor blades in the loot. This, as you no doubt realize, is complete and utter bullshit.*

There has never been a case of this type of thing being reported. It’s a great Halloween horror story because it makes you fear the average neighbour in the suburbs. Who knows what horrors lay beneath the beige exteriors? But, really wasn’t it apples that had the foreign objects? And, really, what kid in their right mind was eating an apple on Halloween?** Severe health issues aside I don’t think any kid, ever, in the history of Halloween will ever be in danger of mistakenly eating an apple on the night of free candy.

Besides, it’s the poisons you need to really worry about because they won’t give you stitches, they’ll actually kill you good and dead and unless it’s a heavy metal like arsenic you probably won’t see them in an x-ray.***

So Mr. Bones, what do you think about The Horror Week?

Hey kids, don’t believe lame parents. They actually are as lame as you think they are and other adults feel the exact same way as you do. Unless they are you're parents in which case they are lovely.****

*Unless he’s trying to teach kids that x-rays won’t kill you (they will). But he’s really just fuelling unhinged rumors of made up horror.

**The ones you hated to go visit because their parents were weird and only let you eat raisins as a treat. I’m looking at you Mr. and Mrs. Trent.

***This is made up. I have no idea if you can see arsenic in an x-ray. Or if it’s really a heavy metal poison.

****No they're not, they're lame.

The Horror Week: Day 2 – That’s not a moon, it’s a pumpkin!

2007-10-30T11:14:00.000-04:00

Here is the only pumpkin you need ever carve for Halloween.

Provided from Wired’s Geek-o-Lantern image gallery.

Yep, got the pumpkin carved last night and it survived its first night on the porch. We decided to go with your traditional Jack-o-Lantern rather than the Death Star. I was all gung-ho for carving myself up a Death Star but then I realized I didn’t really want to spend that much time carving this year, not to mention I didn’t want to buy carving tools. Also, waiting until this point in October means you’ll only get the half-rotted, side-show freak pumpkins and not the perfectly round Aryan pumpkins that are displayed when the pumpkins first come out.

If were up to me though, we’d use carved pumpkins as our only source of porch lighting year round. It’s partially that I get to pretend I’m a mad doctor performing lobotomies. If you need help carving pumpkins just go here or here for some instructions. You can get some pretty cool stencil designs at the Homestar Runner website (I’m kind of partial to the Bear holding a Shark pumpkin stencil – seen here carved by Chris Sims), but honestly, just download any picture you like, greyscale it in photoshop then adjust the levels to only get black and white. Et voila, you have a stencil you can attach to your pumpkin. Use a pointy piece of plastic to poke an outline around the areas you want to cut, grab a flexible knife and cut to connect the dots and you have total pumpkin awesomeness.

So, Dr. Doom-kin as carved by Dave Campbell, what do you think about The Horror Week?

Oh, c’mon, just say it.
Seriously, man, you said you’d be a good sport.

You can destroy us all later. C’mon, I’ll give you some rockets.

Cool. I mean the candy, not actual rockets, by the way.

Another good Halloween idea - The Worst MP in Canada

2007-10-29T12:02:00.000-04:00

I have just finished laughing with Jon's recent post...these are all worthwhile costumes, indeed.

There is one more idea, which Jon would probably add to the list.

Go as Canada's Worst MP.

I have just finished reading about the Worst MP and his name is Blair Wilson, the recently resigned Liberal member for the Vancouver-Sunshine Coast riding. There is an absolutely, and I mean absolutely devastating expose on him in The Province (see below). If you thought Sponsorship was bad, if you thought that Liberals were mired in muck, Wilson is the poster boy for all that we love to hate about slimy politicians. I am not usually this critical - or this offended - but, man, oh, man...

This guy's campaign expenses reporting may have been the trigger for his resignation, but it's his overall conduct in the wider world that is the true horror story. I read the Province article, with an extensive background of how Wilson had mismanaged his business dealings...and I have never seen a worse example. This man profile is horrifying - I mean, he doesn't go around stabbing people, but his financial misdemeanors make most 'corrupt' Third World officials look squeaky clean.

Who do you know recently that's borrowed $2 million from wealthy inlaws, bought six houses and isn't paying mortgage on any of them? Have you ever had an employer who you've had to take to the Labour Board, repeatedly, because he wasn't paying your wages? Ever had a business associate that the suppliers were after due to large unpaid bills? Ever worked on a political campaign staffed by weird, slimy characters?

Well, Blair Wilson embodies all these things...and more. Charlatan is too charming of a moniker to apply here. This man is simply a thief and probably would fall into the sociopath category if assessed by a psychologist. If he were in the Mafia, he would have been the most likely guy to get 'whacked'.

http://www.canada.com/theprovince/story.html?id=950fb44a-468c-4cd4-be69-14f95281dfc3&k=87706

This is why, kids, you want to know about your MPs private "business" dealings. I would rather have my MP run a string of massage parlors with underage Thai girls than have this kind of a "businessman".

The Horror Week: Day One - Costumes

2007-10-29T09:37:00.000-04:00

Halloween is coming up this week, so I guess this is more like The Horror 3 Days. If you're about as planny-aheady as I am you probably don't have a costume. I do have one advantage over most people when it comes to minimal planning but scary costume nonetheless. I live in The Glebe so I can just be a Stranger and everyone is freaking the hell out. Also, I'm bigger than most kids so I take a Fagan approach to gathering sweets where I consider most children to be Artful Dodger type gatherers of my own quest towards diabetic shock. If you don't give me a big enough cut, I can just wrench the candy sack from your puny little girl hands. Oh you think those tears are going to stop me princess?

Um, yeah that's going to stop there.

So anyway, here's a few costume ideas sure to strike fear into anyone this Halloween.

Stephen Harper

This is pretty easy if you're a guy. All you need is a suit, a large billowy shirt and a pillow. Button the pillow inside the shirt and put on the suit, then walk around in mock outrage and stand up for Canadians and Canadian families. If you're really committed go to the barber and ask for the grade one, first day of school cut. Explain that you are not Al Gore.

Stephane Dion

A bit easier but requires slightly more dedication. All you need is a suit and everyone you know to punch you in the gut or hit you with some foreign object until you get a stunned look and put the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLAble.

Wear a birka and go to Quebec.

Walk around smoking and tell everyone you're cancer. Better yet, quit your job, flop on the couches of friends, constantly borrow money your never intend to pay back, eat friends out of house and home, make inappropriate offers to their spouses and abuse at least one substance thus becoming an actual cancer of society.

Put on a skirt and sequined top, remove underwear and go as Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan. Then hit the Karaoke.

Civil Servant
Place box over your head for comfy cubicle feeling (air holes and mind numbing lighting optional). Slouch shoulders for broken spirit look. Lash out at random people who "get in your way." Sigh whenever someone asks you who you are and explain with a tone of contempt what your costume is and how you make it. Run through all red lights you see and get mad at people who point out how that might actually kill you. Wear golden handcuffs labelled "pension." Only trick or treat at one third of the houses an enterprising child manages on their own then complain you couldn't do more because you had to go home and learn French, again.
If you are more enterprising you could always try to create costumes that embody more existential dread such as Global Warming, Fire, Large Meat Eating Mammals, Existential Dread, or Robotic Sharks that know Kung-Fu.

Hey, Prime Minister, what do you think of The Horror Week?

Awesome.

Citizens and "citizens"

2007-10-26T12:57:00.000-04:00

I admit I've always found Quebec and the Quebecois just a bit cooler, bit more 'with it" than the rest of Canada. In Quebec, you can buy beer and wine at the cornerstores. They have the Formula 1 Grand Prix. The people dress quite stylishly; you can always spot the hot, fashion-conscious yet subtle francophone female in a crowd. The social safety net is pretty good - no one else has an affordable daycare system in this country. The landscape on the North Shore is beautiful, the ski hills kick ass, and there are more painters, musicians and other artists per capita in Montreal, Quebec City and elsewhere than there are in anglo Canada. Les Invasions Barbares was the type of profound, funny, moving film that no English Canadian director ever made. And, yes, the French CBC has some pretty innovative programming.

Having heaped praise on the home of the disctinct society clause and big hydro, let me now register my disappointment and, puzzlement, really, at how the 'immigrant' integration issue is being handled, perceived, written about in Quebec. It speaks to a certain malaise across the society, amplified through the political medium.

If a political party in the provincial assembly in Quebec city wants more stringent requirements on how newly arrived people behave within the province, then there should be certain rules of thumb, to assure the requirements don't end up sounding absurd, misplaced or downright bigoted:

1. The language requirement is a red herring. Of course, if anyone wants to work in Quebec and isn't a federal bureaucrat in Place du Portage in Hull, the French language is an automatic requirement. Just like anyone wanting work in Vancouver or Halifax would have to have a sufficient command of English. Ask my parents who, as immigrants into English Canada, spent years learning and perfecting their language skills...it was necessary and it wasn't a piece of cake.

2. The cultural sensitivity to all things connected with the langauge and French Canadian culture is certainly a fine, fine point. But there are established channels that help engrain values, teach about history and reinforce a sense of a polity. Schools and universities, for one. The cultural content of French as a second language classes. If, in this day and age, with so many possible channels of communication and so many ways to capture a person's attention, we are told we'd have to resort to a political charter of some sorts...hmmm, I'd say that the schools, media, writers and others are not doing their job.

3. Quebec may be distinct within Canada -I'll be the first person to say it is - but it is still within Canada, a part of the same economy and the same job market. When one immigrates to Quebec, they think of themselves as primarily immigrating to Canada. A person struggling in the francophone environment won't turn into a good, productive worker or a citizen if you whack him with another requirement...they will likely end up moving and throw in their lot with the red-hot Alberta economy or the good ol' TO. Especially if they are engineers, teachers, nurses, construction foremen or equipment operators. That's how French Canada loses people annually to English Canada. Simple as that.

4. Rural and small-town Quebec where much of the conern over 'reasonable accomodation' is coming from is not a very dynamic economic region. Opportunities for newcomers don't exactly abound in Gaspesie, Beauce or Saguenay. These places will never be over-run by hordes of culturally different people with low capacities for assimilating into a francophone existence - to suggest that this might happen is fear-mongering and political manipulation. If I am coming from South America, Lebanon or China, my destination is very likely to be Montreal, not the backwoods....and nothing against the 'backwoods', either. They are nice to go hiking in but most people know where their daily bread comes from.

5. Concern over cultural integration and the concern over people who 'bring their conflicts with them' should be two different issues, handled through different channels. If someone is raising eyebrows with their apparently ultra-conservative Islamic ways or if they are coming from a recent war zone...former Yugoslavia, Sri Lanka, many African countries, to name examples...there are going to be extra concerns over that person's ability to lead a normal life in Quebec, anywhere in Canada for that matter. But if we are talking 'cultural and linguistic integration', then we ought not drag in other, potentially deeper concerns such as those over people who might be prone to use violence easily or who have trouble with written legal codes.

Remember the highest risk demographics in our society, as far as crime and not getting along with the rest of us? Young aboriginal Canadian men and young men of Jamaican origin in Toronto. Both groups speak English, for one. Both have grown up in this country. Grown up alienated, perhaps...but no one is going to solve that problem by testing these populations against some civic-type scale.

Just my ususal fifty-four cents.

Punk Sports Cards

2007-10-26T09:43:00.000-04:00

I just found these and they are wonderful. I guess I have a new hobby.

Why Ottawa is so beige.

2007-10-25T17:31:00.001-04:00

So, instead of doing my own research, the Ottawa Citizen did it for me. And horror of horrors... They did it pretty well!!! Ken Gray goes through the reasons why Ottawa is the way it is today. And he takes some pretty hard shots at the city. A rare moment when I am impressed by the Citizen. Thanks, Mr. Gray!

Filed under irony

2007-10-25T11:34:00.000-04:00

On my way to Montebello I saw a truck delivering gasoline to a gas station. On the side of said truck was "powered by biodiesel." Biodiesel wasn't available at the gas station. I love it. I love it more than the windmills placed on the Hibernia gas platform.

The long, drawn-out death of Kyoto, the one that's not Stephane's dog

2007-10-17T10:03:00.000-04:00

So, speech from the Throne happened last night. As it happens almost every year. I kind of like to observe the pomp and circumstance; they remind me that there is such a thing as the Parliament and that there is the ship of the state, which (strangely enough) does need someone to steer it from time to time. We have not yet invented an autopilot for these occassions.

I - and this is almost difficult to admit as a former Liberal staffer and someone who's gotten his professional start as a pro-Kyoto activist in (ehm, ehm) Alberta - found nothing too controversial or extremely right-wing in the speech last night. It was strategically conceived to annoy and bait the opposition but the basic policy course seems to be the same old, same old Canadian middle of the road, 'all things to everyone' appeal. Why not? We are a complex, easily fractured federation and there will always be sectors and interest groups that any government has to cater to. There are noteworthy items and concessions in every single Speech from the Throne that deal a few more, albeit symbolic, cards to the province of Quebec, to Aboriginal people, to law and order enforcement (hey, no one is against having safer streets...), and, lately to environmentalists.

Having said the last word, yes, I am an environmentalist, at least deep on the inside, below the increasingly cynical outer layers. This stuff matters, in the long run. We do need to have cleaner Great Lakes, no lead in children's toys, and this climate change business is worrisome. If we can grow crops for food as well as for fuel, perhaps that's progress, too...

Which brings me to the K-word. Nothing against Stephane Dion's dog, but I have become absolutely sick of the constant appeals to 'save Kyoto'. Everyone who wants to cloak themselves in a progressive garb and drop fashionable references to Al Gore has been lining up to live up to this treaty - which few people really understand. It has become a pop culture reference, instead of a scientific point of reference. And, no secret, it has been one of the most mishandled, poorly managed public policy files in Ottawa...for years, almost a decade in fact.

When the first committment period of the Kyoto treaty is a mere three months away and Canada's GHG emissions remain - predictably - at 30% or more above our target, it is indeed time to throw in the towel. Not to throw in the towel on the actual long-term dynamic of trying to evolve our economy and adjust to climate change impacts...but to concede that, as far as the piece of paper is concerned, we are not going to make it.

The Liberals knew it, as early as 2002 and 2003. Dion must have known it when the Green Plan was overhauled. The Conservatives had known it all along - but they don't get 'wiseman points" for knowing something as obvious as that - nor do they qualify for 'sympathy points', seeing they would have preferred the entire issue just went away.

Yes, folks, last night was the much overdue public funeral of the idea that Canada could, would, was in position to, ever meet its self-imposed Kyoto commitments. Somehow, it doesn't feel like an end of an era, more like a beginning of another, less idealistic and less misguided era.

What I Love About Politics

2007-10-17T08:50:00.000-04:00

Last night I was at my drawing class during the Speech From the Throne, but I was home for the build-up. I love all the hoopla around these things because it's really only a few select people who really give a crap about them and their potential election results. The only reason it plays so big in Ottawa is that there are simply so many people working in some capacity attached to a political party and they don't want to lose their job. The rest of us don't really care because let's be honest, being legally entitled to 3 hours away from work to go vote isn't exactly something the Canadian public dreads.

Elections take about 10 minutes of our time depending on the line up at the polling station so not one single voter is anxious about any election speculation. Sure there's a few extra road signs and too much crap on the radio, well too much election talky talky rather than pop stars but still crap. But all in all, an election is no great shakes unless you could lose your job or be required to report on politicians for 30 days. I'd be fearing one too.

Mission Mistatement

2007-10-16T14:47:00.001-04:00

The other day I was asked what the point is to this blog. It really bothers me that I need a reason to do anything. The honest answer is that there is no point to it. The snarky answer is that the whole point is to annoy people with no sense of humor who need to find a point to everything and debate every minor passing jokey comment you make until the earth is as emptied of humor and fun as it is potable water and clean air.

I know it's the wrong format, being on the internet and all, but I'm not really interested in debating anything anymore - ever. I find it really hard to pretend I care about things I don't care about and I find it a lot harder to spend time talking about anything I don't find interesting or debating everything in some pathetic attempt to give my sad little life more meaning by seeking truth in the least fun way possible. Sorry, I'm too busy trying to figure out what kind of secret doorway is better - fake library shelves or trap. I care too much about enjoying every fleeting moment to waste my life in endless debate that doesn't ever inform me about anything. Oh wait, it's not debate that bothers me it's probably just your opinion . I guess that's why I like big parties - there's always someone else to talk to.

That's that then

2007-10-11T08:12:00.000-04:00

Huh, didn't really expect those results for the referendum. I’m not surprised by the actual election results – too bad about Hilier though, although he will now provide us with enough headlines and content to keep things fun for a while. Still, yikes on the MMP vote. From my informal office poll people just didn’t know anything about it so didn’t go for it. The common sentiment was to stick with the devil you know. Some of them even went to find out more and they had the same problem I did in that even the supporters didn’t really have any information about it other than the pure basic you vote twice spiel. I was kind of hoping it would have been closer to fuel more debate on it and come up with a better proposal for proportional representation.

Secret Headquarters

2007-10-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

Finally I can get that underground lair I've always wanted. Sure, it's no volcanoe island shaped like a human skull but an underground Titan missle silo is pretty cool nonetheless.

Soon I will be victorious.

Blindfold and Cigarettes

2007-10-09T08:59:00.000-04:00

Today is the last day of the Ontario election. I guess I'm celebrating it with about as much indifference as the start of the election. Really, I'm more concerned by how I can't get the picture to format properly in my "Currently Reading" section of this blog than I am about who wins what in the election. I always vote, but this time, in my riding, it really just feels like choosing which lawyer I dislike the least and then deciding how generous I'm feeling towards MMP when I'm in the booth. Good mood gets a yes vote, bad mood gets a no because really I haven't been convinced about the system presented. I think it's well intentioned but severely lacking in many regards that you don't need to be bored with at the moment (and I really don't feel like answering comments).

I'm not going to try and convince anyone about it one way or the other because the more I think about it, the more I really just don't give a flying fuck what the political system is as long as I can take part in it.

Let's get our own announcers

2007-10-05T08:30:00.000-04:00

I'm happy that hockey is back and that the Sens have started well by beating the Leafs twice. I missed Wednesday's season opener which looked to be a dandy - hell, Redden had 2 fights! I might actually come around to liking Redden if he develops this crusty old man attitude towards the game. Then again, he took a four minute penalty last night for telling the ref to do something sexually impossible.

The only thing that really annoyed the piss out of me was having to listen to the utter drivel spouted by Bob Cole. I'm glad the game only lasted an hour because any longer and Toskola (the Leafs goalie) would probably have given birth to the second coming of Christ Listening to Cole yammer on and on and on about how amazing Toskola played was akin to watching a documentary about strippers or porn stars who yammer on and on and on about how this career was their choice and something their proud of/happy to be doing. After a while the refrain simply isn't convincing to the audience and you realize they are trying to convince themselves with it. Not that I think strippers or porn stars or Maple Leafs fans are bad or stupid, I just kind of think they're going out of their way to try and sound convincing. Kind of like how people tell you they like their commute.

So while Toskola was busy saving the world by stopping pucks, Redden took a four minute penalty and if Cole is to be believed he also either blocked a shot or shot at his own net while in the penalty box. Clearly when the Sens and Leafs clash it is a clash of Titans that rips the space time continuum asunder so a man can be in two, possibly three if he came from a separate universe and was signed by the Leafs, places at once.

Funny, how this amazing goalie still lost. I'm glad hockey is back, I just need to start muting the CBC broadcast so I don't have to listen to someone try and convince me the losing team is better than the one I support. Is it any wonder Senators fans feel like their team is the Rodney Dangerfield of the NHL. They went to the cup finals and all I heard about during the play by play was how the Leafs were going to the playoffs this year and would be trying for the cup. How about they win a game first before the play by play man starts telling me about how the Leafs are going to make the playoffs again (maybe). Who knows, maybe they will, I mean the space time continuum was ripped asunder last night by Wade Redden so anything is possible.

Please, for the love of God, vote for MMP, Ontario!

2007-10-03T22:46:00.001-04:00

All right, so normally, I tend to vote how I feel. However, if I was in my parents' riding, I would, without hesitation or any consideration, be voting for Ian Wilson, the Liberal candidate for Lanark, Frontenac and Lennox and Addington.

He seems good. That said, there's really only one reason to vote for him. His ~~Regressive~~ Progressive Conservative opponent is the one, the only... Randy Hillier. You see, Randy Hillier is the nutjob former leader of the Lanark Landowners Association, which has morphed into the Ontario Landowners Association now.

Randy's frightening to small children and progressive bloggers alike. However, even John Tory is trying to avoid Randy Hillier.

In case that article won't be available much longer, I cut and paste the relevant text:

"John Tory, PC:

Worst moment: Avoiding his own right-wing candidate, Randy Hillier, in the VIP tent at the International Plowing Match, the province’s largest agricultural fair, this week in Crosby. Mr. Tory entered the tent and froze when he saw Mr. Hillier. (Liberal operatives hope to snap a picture of the two men together in a bid to undermine Tory’s moderate remake of the party.) Mr. Tory then left the tent to regroup and came back in several minutes later, surrounded by a small group of people. The two men never shook hands."

Yes he's that scary that his own potential boss doesn't want to be seen with him.

OK, I won't continue with the defamation. However, this is a good reason for MMP - I'm sure just about every straight-headed progressive in that riding will vote for Ian Wilson regardless of political affiliation, and it would be unfair to force them to vote for one or the other in this multi-party democracy. This is why we need to have a mixed system, so that the likes of Randy Hillier CAN be defeated and our preference among the other parties can also be acknowledged.

Scrooge McDuck Recognized

2007-10-01T12:18:00.000-04:00

The Scotsman reports that Scrooge McDuck has been selected by the Glasgow City Council to be added to the list of Famous Glaswegians. He joins such luminaries as Sir Alex Ferguson, Mo Johnston, Robert Carlyle, Franz Ferdinand (the band, not the Archduke), and Groundskeeper Willie.

If you ever need something to read, I cannot recommend The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck by Don Rosa enough. It is a tour de force of cartooning, and the biographic nature of the storytelling is staggering and impressively enjoyable. What Don Rosa does, is fill in the gaps of the Charles Barks' Duck Tales stories (yes, they were the basis for the fantastic cartoon) which are also being collected for the modern audience. If you know anyone who would appreciate adventure stories, these are the comics for them, but honestly, whether you've ever read a comic or not, I can guarantee you will love The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck. It is one of the better books in print these days.

Who do you think would be on the list of Famous Ottawans? That opium dealer from that one Plastic Man comic back in the thirties? Alanis?

Quick Follow-Up

2007-09-26T11:23:00.000-04:00

After yesterday's announcement that a third CFL team would be brought to Ottawa by benefactors under Charlie's Angel levels of mystery by out phallicly shaped mayor, it has come to light that one of them may be that guy from Minto. They developed a lot of stuff in Ottawa and are one of the culprits of the revolutionary design of our buildings.

With that in mind I've decided to use the power of imagination (not unlike the Muppet Babies) and advanced sticky-note technologies to give you the first plans of the Minto Stadium redesign for Frank Claire Stadium.

Take in that beigey glow of awesomeness. If they actually manage to get a CFL team, I've already claimed 3 seasons in the pool. Hey, I'm an optimist.

Also, we need to get the team called The Ottawa Beige. I'm sure if I start an online petition we can make it work just like it's worked for getting lawn signs our of elections, getting Jedi as a religion on the census and stopping spam.

Third time's a charm

2007-09-25T15:15:00.000-04:00

So, Mr. Mayor who is totally in touch with the average slob, has announced that he's in talks with some mysterious benefactors to bring a CFL team back to Ottawa. Because, it's totally what we all want right now what with the lower deck of the south side ready to collapse and the Liebermans ruining two CFL teams from Ottawa.

How does that saying go? You know, the one about doing things the same way repeatedly hoping for a different result?

Fix the stands, put some real lawn on the surface and create a Wimbeldon like complex for soccer in the heart of the city. Personally, I'd like to move the Sensplex there brick by brick but having a major arena there probably isn't the best location - ideally it would be where the convention centre is or on Lebreton Flats.

Who bears the responsibility for climate change?

2007-09-23T13:31:00.000-04:00

Last week, San Francisco District Judge Martin Jenkins ruled that it is impossible to determine to what extent automakers are responsible for climate change damages in California.

It might shock those of you who know me that I'm saying this. I agree with this decision.

Cars and automobility are a symptom and a symbol. They are not the cause of emissions; they're just where they are most concentrated (well, them and our houses). Energy use, for the large part, is the source of emissions. And I'll look here, very briefly, at personal uses of energy, because it affects industrial emissions; industrial emissions are largely the result of producing materials that either make up the goods that we purchase, or at least go towards making those products.

The problem is that many neighbourhoods and urban areas are just not designed for people to get around by any means other than a car. I mention urban areas because that's where the majority of us live. The services that people utilize in their day-to-day life are just too far to depend on foot or bicycle transportation, or even public transportation in some cases(e.g. doctors, grocery stores, other shopping). Since this is a case that was brought forth in California, I'll use an example from out there. If you live in the circuitous labyrinthine neighbourhoods of, say, Irvine or Mission Viejo, then, really, can you imagine not having a car? You'd be stranded. This is a major issue throughout much of the U.S., and to a lesser extent throughout Canada as well - Mississauga comes to mind. A couple of years ago, I stayed with a friend who lived very close to Square One mall in Mississauga. This showed me that distance isn't necessarily the sole problem. The proximity to the mall almost didn't matter, even though it was walking distance (about 1 km). It just wasn't a safe walk, because of the lack of sidewalks.

It's easy to scapegoat the production industries, such as the auto industry and the oil and gas industry. But really, they only provide the means; if the demand for their products were curbed, then this would be a non-issue (or course, then we could get into the discussion of how they create demand through marketing, which may be as much of the source of the problem as anything; it's probably worthy of another post. However, if people (or that other word we use for people these days, consumers) were thoughtful about their purchases, this would be a non-issue). That's an important issue - how to curb demands for industrial products without curbing quality of life.

Let's keep in mind, also, that quality of life is different from standard of living. Just because someone has a higher standard of living and is able to acquire more, doesn't mean they have a great quality of life.

I believe that urban spaces have a lot to do with this. In Canada, we're a very urbanized country; 64% of us live in urban areas of more than 100,000 people. These spaces can be designed such that they require less use of resources and demand of us less purchase of goods. They're not, however; housing and mixed-use developments such as Dockside Green are still the exception to the rule.

Bringing this back to Ottawa, there are many parts of town where it is impossible to live without a car. Lamentably, the cost of living in those parts where it may be possible to do car free living is higher (particularly for property ownership, even for condos) - though if one can do it without the $700/month average car ownership costs, it does bring down the price.

I was at a conference on energy efficiency earlier this year. There, Nils Larsson of The International Institute for a Sustainable Built Environment brought up the four types of energy required - construction (or embodied) energy, operational energy, maintenance energy and commuting energy. He also mentioned that while we are able to use less energy per unit of floorspace to maintain comfort, the benefits of this have been lost through an increase in the size of the average new build house in Canada (by 50% over the past 10 years). Given that there were ministers of energy and environment from several countries in attendance, I was very impressed to see someone speak like this in a forum, about how choices that we make in lifestyle link to energy. Too bad the person making the final statement at the conference didn't have it in him to incorporate Mr. Larsson's statements.

I'll finish this off on a final thought. I don't know if this is a chicken or an egg case. I really don't know if this is because people want bigger homes with bigger lots, or if it's because developers want to build cookie-cutter homes and developments on big lots. I do believe that at least some of those that run urban planning departments in many cities are, on this point at least, either intellectually lazy or simply incapable of winning these fights against the developers.

And worse, I don't know if we really have the interest to tackle climate change as a population. If people decide that it's worthwhile to commute 45 minutes each way to work in a car by themselves so that they can have their 3000 sq.ft. house in the suburbs and drive everywhere they want to go, and if this is simply considered a normal, desirable life goal... what hope do we really have? I'm not asking for us to return to hunting and gathering and foraging; the planet can't feed 6.5 billion people now, or 9 billion people by 2050, if they do that. I ask us to look at the best practices out there for urban development, and for lifestyles, and to mimic those. I may, in a later post, try to list what, to me, are the top options for people to reduce their impact on the climate.

Praise the Lord!

2007-09-20T09:21:00.000-04:00

That Catholic School Board I wrote about yesterday decided to allow the HPV vaccine.

Reason triumphs.

Satan laughs.

This little light of mine...

2007-09-19T12:35:00.000-04:00

While the real newsmen are as happy as pigs in shit that Dion’s party totally fucked up the Quebec by-elections (so they can just change a few sentences in their mound of reprinted “Dion is totally screwed” articles), I feel it is my job as a so-fake-I-don’t-even-pretend-to-be-a-newsman to shine my flashlight into the oft-ignored underbelly of the by-elections. Of course I mean how the Green Party really is falling into obscurity. Sure they got a new leader, got rid of most of their troublesome staff and tend to be asking for a lot more money these days (apparently to get shudders that go with the new house in New Glasgow aka their election “hope chest”) but they have momentum right?

I mean they finally have all the ingredients to actually become the political force they remind us they are/want to be. They have a leader that people: actually know, listen to, and gets press. They have federal funding and a big upsurge in members (at least they should) as well as success in the last round of by-elections (except that they forgot to register that candidate in Quebec – oops). This should be something they eat up and manage to use to their advantage, especially when there is such a major shift in the political landscape. By-elections are where small parties make their breakthrough, so why didn’t it happen here with the Greens?

In fact they’ve reversed their trend as of the last election. All ridings went down in vote percentage except Saint Hyacinth-Bagot. Sure it slipped 0.1% but that’s pretty negligible. Outremont had the Greens at 2.2% from 4.8% and Roberval-Lac Saint-Jean had the Greens at 1.7% from 4.3%. Alarming trends, if I was involved in planning on having a Green Party around after the next federal election.

This doesn’t seem like a party building on its momentum. It should be able to use the base federal funding to drive in enough new members and contributions to send the party out of a consistent last place. I’m sure up until this point the party has just been coming up with many horrifically complex systems to make sure the associations get some of the federal funding rather than go out into the community to fundraise, raise awareness, and attract members and ever better candidates – you know, politics? I know most outsiders looking in are wondering why the party can’t seem to capitalize on its apparent growth and momentum and I guess maybe I know too much and not enough at the same time. Although I’m pretty sure anything I guess and exaggerate isn’t too far from the truth because I’ve seen them operate and tried to fix it for a few years. It’s like trying to teach a cat to play to banjo. After a certain point you just have to admit it was stupid to even try because it simply won’t happen, no matter how stubborn you are.

The candidates will blame the party, the party will blame the associations, they’ll all complain about lack of money, nobody will actually do anything worthy of getting a vote or improving their situation and we’ll see how things turn out in the next election. I think these by-elections are a good litmus test for where the party will end up. I mean things certainly can’t be going well when you’ve got all the ingredients for more success and you’re doing worse.

There was a lot of optimism, in some cases renewed optimism, in the Greens when their leader finished second in the London by-election. Where was she for these by-elections? It makes me wonder how committed she is to the party’s success compared to her own? Why hasn’t the party been able to simply get its shit together and be able to challenge for seats, when people are tuned into the message? It makes me wonder how utterly incompetent you have to be to not be able to come up with an appealing platform to voters who want environmental change?

I guess it is just easier to blame first-past the post for your own failings than actually work hard at becoming appealing to the voters.

It will be interesting to see if the Green Party survives after the next federal election.

St. Guano-Loco is from Ontario and the patron saint of misogyny

2007-09-19T09:37:00.000-04:00

Today will see a plethora of jackassery. And not simply because September 19th is "Talk like a pirate" day.

Nope it just all seems to happen at once. I just read about how the Halton Catholic School Board is considering to not allow public health nurses to administer the HPV vaccine to grade eight girls. Because, they say, HPV is sexually transmitted and sex is only permissible in marriage. Well, Satan get behind me because I’m thinking this is further proof that absolutely no public funds should be given to faith based schools. They do not want to inoculate your daughters against cervical cancer.

This is batshit insane.

Whether they have sex in marriage or out of it, women can still get HPV which leads to cervical cancer and die if they do not receive the vaccine at this young age. It's not about admitting your daughters are tramps, it's about preventing cervical cancer at a later age. Cervical cancer does not really care when you have sex. It kills you regardless. This isn't about belief or faith, it's about preventing 80% of cervical cancer in women (including 80% in married women you jackasses).

I should just forget about it and buy stuff for an exceptional discount on Amazon when the dollar reaches parity (even with shipping). That will help me forget about a religious group getting public funds then refusing to protect young women.

Peter and Paul

2007-09-19T09:06:00.001-04:00

Today I heard about the government's plan to rob Peter in order to pay Paul. Peter is the money going to conservation and helping out migratory birds in Canada. Paul is climate change.

I wonder if Harper knows that Paul has been convicted of embezzlement numerous times and is know to drink and lie a lot about where the money is. Why doesn't he just take the money across the river and put it all on black? It would make more sense than pretending he's actually going to maybe eventually do something about climate change, if it even exists.

Canada's history - abridged yet again

2007-09-17T13:04:00.000-04:00

On the weekend, an out-of town friend and I had a good look at the statues of the 'Valiants' , the fourteen bronze statues of military heroes from our past that stand on the overpass near the end of the Rideau canal.

I asked my buddy - "What two prominent figures are missing from this collection?"

It didn't take long for a response...of course, General Wolfe and Marquis de Montcalm are missing. Most of us would give the same answer if we stopped to think about it for a minute.

We both agreed that this is yet another example of Canadian bureacratic pussy-footing around some obvious historical facts. To have a war-related memorial and to profile Canada's military past without mentioning the two central leaders in the most pivotal battle ever on our soil, the Plains of Abraham, is like having a rock n'roll hall of fame without the Beatles or Jimi Hendrix. And it is also an example of hypocrisy because the 'Valiants' contains at least two figures from our past (Count Frontenac and D'Ibreville) who had been, in their era, actively engaged in the British-French conflicts in what was later to become Canada...so, no one should be able to play the politically correct card and say, "oooh, can't have Wolfe and Montcalm there, it's too controversial."

For starters, I have no problem with WHO is among the so-called Valiants. I also have a good feeling about having a monument in Canada's capital that simply acknowledges good, competent soldiers and commemorates acts of individual heroism in miltary struggles. All of the people portrayed there had served either our country or the predecessor countries, England and France, some of them died, some died while saving others, and some of them had lead our armed forces to significant victories. Isaac Brock, to name one, can be credited with having saved the 'country that was yet to be' from American takeover in the War of 1812. These are no small deeds.

So, I ask, why not Wolfe and Montcalm? They were both, according to historians, brilliant and - for their era - gallant soldiers. Both had distinguished themselves in actual hand-to hand combat in their youth, and later became leading strategists of the time. Both died in the eventual battle in Quebec City; a reminder of another, much more dangerous time, when generals actually commanded their troops into the line of fire and faced bullets along with common soldiers. So, physical bravery is not at issue. Neither is compassion at issue, as both men were known to treat non-combatants and captures enemies very humanely, at least by 18th century standards. When taken, the city of Quebec was not sacked and pillaged, its people were not harassed or forced to convert. Finally, Wolfe's and Montcalm's importance, albeit almost accidentaly, is so central to the birth of Canada (and to its evolution as a bilingual and bi-cultural nation) that they should tower over any other of the otherwise brilliant 'heroes'.

Of course, we know two possible answers to why these men are not standing in their bronze liknesses at the memorial: Political cowardice, or plain old lack of perspective.

I think here is a symbolic cause waiting to be taken up by a local politician.

Fight Back with Pink

2007-09-17T11:06:00.001-04:00

This is absolutely brilliant.

Stories like this remind me that things get better the more exposure kids get to different ideas rather than being isolated at schools (such as faith based schools, Catholic system included).

Good on them for doing what too few high school boys would ever have the balls to pull off. This makes an honest difference in the world.

Area Commission Satirized

2007-09-12T13:25:00.000-04:00

I haven't read The Onion online in quite some time, so I find it kind of telling that when I did today this is the story I come across. It's like they were visiting Gatineau or possibly attending a Council meeting for the political party I used to work for.

I particularly like the line "Over the course of the six-and-a-half-hour meeting, the only variation on the endless monotony of inconsequential concerns was the occasional tone of entitlement."

Fun times.

Veiled Thoughts

2007-09-11T10:28:00.000-04:00

I think Elections Canada got it right.

I think women who chose to wear a facial covering should be able to vote without revealing their faces. I also think Elections Canada was slightly too expedient in their process though. People like to be asked before someone else makes a decision on their behalf. And with good reason, Muslim women are now uneasy about having the spotlight shone on them in Quebec because of something they didn’t actually ask for.

The reasons I think Elections Canada got this right are probably a bit facile to the rest of you. Firstly, I think anything that makes the voting process more accommodating to everyone is a good thing. Voter turnout is low and this allows more people to vote without really interrupting their lifestyle choices or religious faith. I really don’t think this will lead to widespread voting corruption scandals. Fear of that is really just a disguised racist fear. Secondly, just because there is the right doesn’t mean it will actually be invoked by anyone. It wasn’t an issue before, anywhere, so it probably won’t be now. So I think we should just all chill out because this is just saying “you don’t have to if you don’t want to” before someone took the nation to court over a violation of their rights as a Canadian. Not that I think it would necessarily happen but if this wasn’t decided upon by Elections Canada then it is much more likely that it could.

Also, you can vote even if you don't actually have any identification but can get a sworn statement that you are who you claim to be. Say you've had a house fire and lost all identification the night before an election or you were robbed or some other circumstance (veil not required). At least that's how I remember the Canada Elections Act, it has been a while though.

I’ve already heard of these people in the by-elections protesting that the people at the counter don’t know if the person voting is really the person voting and this is somehow a bad thing (even though you provide I.D. to vote as the person and nobody has since shown up to vote a second time unveiled). I mean how often does someone steal someone else’s identity in order to elect the candidate of their choice? I mean honestly, this isn’t the 1800’s or Chicago in the twenties. If you provide official identity you get to vote, it’s simple. There are no major identity theft rings created for the purpose of voting – buying gasoline and computers online, sure, but voting? C’mon, get a grip.

That being said, it will be interesting to see just how utterly racist Quebec really is during the Taylor-Bouchard Commission hearings. I find it funny that a culture that is extremely Catholic claims to be secular. It’s like discussing the canon of being Canadian or Quebecois. I heard an outtake this morning about how it was terrible that Sikhs could wear turbans if they were in the RCMP. As if being Canadian is determined by “not turban wearing” which I’m sorry, is racist bullshit. But don’t get me wrong I don’t think these feelings are limited only to Quebec, I’m sure they are present across Canada it’s just that Quebec has Herouxville.

This all sounds like a lot of baseless fears. Hmmm, who else believed in a religious conspiracy to take away from a specifically limited cultural definition then used that as a way to deflect from any serious issue until mobs were formed to rid themselves of a global conspiracy to poison pure cultures?

No more a girl, and, well, sort of a woman

2007-09-10T15:15:00.000-04:00

I admit I was not home during the MTV awards. I was down in Kingston, kayaking on the St.Lawrence, more worried about my boat taking on water in the waves than worried about whose public stock has risen or plummetted, or about who made a splash across the scandal-hungry media pages (bad puns, all around).

I do admit to having read about the MTV awards, though. Yeah, thirty five and still interested in the 'charts'...I was kind of hoping to see who won what award and if anyone among the performers I actually like made it to the podium. In my rather naive viewpoint, these events are still supposed to be about achievement, talent, and giving something back to the fans...and not primarily about who is wearing (or not wearing) what and who will make a stupid remark.

Now, enter the Ottawa Citizen. Their lead-up to the coverage of the said ceremonies was Britney Spears and her attempt to emulate a stripper. Point for Britney, zero for the Citizen. I had to search through the rest of the Arts section to find out who was actually awarded for what (and, yes, Shakira did win something, so the world is essentially unfolding the way it should).

Why am I so put off by the Citizen's coverage?...hmm, let me count the ways...

First, the article was a living proof that even a slightly above-the average paper in a big Canadian city will go for the obvious, albeit lame, hint of ' sleaze and scandal' instead of focusing on someone else who is actually accomplishing interesting things. Britney's slightly sagging midriff is bigger news than singers like Shakira, Kaney West and Justin Timberlake who actually have some talent, actually are recording and selling albums and happen to be in constant play across dance floors. It reminded me of huge amoung of coverage of Eddie 'the Eagle' in the ski-jumping competition, back in the Calgary winter olympics, the last-place finisher, rather than Matti Nykkanen, the winner (and one of the best ski jumpers to ever fly off the 90 m jump).

Second, there was such a palpable sense of schadenfreude in the coverage of Britney. Let her rest, don't give her any more headlines, for God's sake. The media vultures, sensing someone's reputation will fall by the wayside, are lining up to feast on the fast-cooling but still-twitching body. Speaking of body, I find it offensive that so much attention was directed at the fact Britney's bod no longer the super-buff, preternaturally toned and sleek machine but more of a 'natural' looking 25-year old woman's body. Gents, you know what I mean when I admit to liking normal girls, normal women, with a bit of flesh around the hips and some pleasing curves. Britney may not be bright but she is still sexy. To send the message that anything else than the gym-honed, traithlete-like figure is 'sexy' is to further add to the inferiority complexes that just about every young female out there seems to have...

Last but not least, she lip-synchs. The horror, the horror...Hasn't this lip-synching stuff been around for the last 20 years, ever since bands starting running around and having intricate dnace/floor shows, with acrobatic-type moves? How 'bout Janet Jackson or scores of other pop stars?

So, basically, I regret to see - yet again - a terribly shallow approach to media coverage of anything to do with pop music. And, I'd sleep with Britney, for sure. We might not sit around and talk about existentialism or the history of diplomacy, but I'd still sleep with her.

Tory vs. Fossil

2007-09-07T09:23:00.000-04:00

I think someone should throw a fossil at John Tory. It would probably fly just over his head. Or he'd ignore it.

Asked if he would allow creationism to be taught, John Tory practically got on his knees and rang out merciful and humble thanks to his Lord for His magnificent intervention (and to have a bit more fuel for the fire - it gets cold when the media doesn't pay attention during a campaign). So yeah, he's thinking we should give money to enforce ignorance. You can't teach creationism, it's like teaching someone to be an idiot. You just are.

I mean how to you teach faith based math? The easy joke is to look at the Conservative campaign budget. But seriously, you don't understand square roots, just denounce your instructor as an agent of Satan. You don't like history, no worries, God created everything that was and is as it always was and will be. Don't worry about specific dates, that's just fickle knowledge and recorded truth. Knowledge and truth are human conceits and have no place in the faithful learning environment.

You can teach evolution and you can teach science but faith simply can't be instructed. No matter how much money you give. You simply have it. You learn devotions but not actual faith - try looking it up sometime. Then again if you're a believer you don't need to because you'll already know everything you need to know through god.

You see, I don't have faith because I've got too many actual thoughts getting in the way. Because I learned things. I didn't take things on faith.

If anything, John Tory is the perfect advocate as to why adding more representation to the provincial legislature is a bad idea. We can get more like him. You know, people who think The Flintstones was a documentary and will get paid to not teach your kids.

Kind of Faulty Logic There Guys

2007-09-06T09:13:00.001-04:00

So Emperor Harper and a bunch of representatives from the most environmentally unfriendly nations, most of whom did not sign Kyoto, will be meeting to discuss solutions to global warming. It's sort of like Satan and a bunch of imps and demons getting together to discuss which religion they'll choose.

Not so-Super series

2007-09-05T09:23:00.000-04:00

I don't know whose idea it was to mark the 35th anniversary of the legendary 72' hockey series by pitting our juniors against Russia's juniors. I don't care to know, and I would be willing to forgive this error in PR judgement...if it wasn't for the fact that we currently have one of the best generations of hockey juniors, ever, while the Russians are struggling with all kinds of issues in their program.

I have watched a little bit of the series. The hockey was allright but it's a sad reality (and a huge indictement against staging hocky tournaments in the summer) that I would be almost immediately changing the channel and looking for US Open tennis, picking up that good book, or actually doing something myself. I simply wasn't sold on the Not-so Super Series.

Think of the original 72' classic as the equivalent of the original Pink Panther movie. Now, advance to the 21st century and find a lame remake (even if Roberto Begnini was actually quite funny in the remake...) of that police comedy classic. Imitated but not even close to duplicated. This hockey tournament falls in the same category.

When you sweep your opponents, despite your guys being jet-lagged half the time - the Russian games were played in crazy places like Omsk in Siberia - it is not "super". Canada should have faced Sweden, Czech Republic or Finland. They would have given us a better run for our money than the current crop of up-and coming Russians.

More "This Is Not News"

2007-09-04T13:51:00.001-04:00

Seriously. Someone had to do a study on this? This is really something that shouldn't earn someone a Master's or a Ph.D. I think we learn this somewhere around grade 5 or 6, when our hormones start kicking in.

Weekend Religion

2007-09-04T08:44:00.000-04:00

I went to a Catholic wedding this weekend. I've since decided that I will never be stepping foot inside another Catholic church, except perhaps for a funeral of a loved one. It was one of the most intolerant exhibitions I've ever witnessed, especially since I was there to celebrate two people I love in their love for each other. Instead there was an hour long ceremony explaining that I don't love my wife, our kids can't love us and we simply can't love them, and that my marriage it is a lie. There was more but I stopped listening and decided to play with the kids in the pew in front of me instead rather than cause a scene by leaving which I was prepared to do.

So guess what my thoughts are on faith based school funding? I think we need less and not more. If you want faith based education, pay for it your damned selves. Unless you're going to create a pagan viking school or the Blessed Lucifer School of the Second Ring as well.

I'd totally send my kid to viking school.

10 years

2007-08-31T10:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, I will be really predictable with this one.

Question - do you remember wher you were when you'd heard the news princess Diana was dead?

I will always remember the moment and place, with a surreal clarity.

My friend Rob and I were driving along BC's Hwy 93 in my old pick-up truck. We'd been hiking in Kootenay national park but couldn't find a campsite at one of the backcountry spots - it was the long weekend, after all. So, we decided to head south, towards Radium Hot Springs, to grab a camping spot or at least put the tent up somewhere in the ditch. It was already fairly late, getting dark, and I was slightly paranoid about hitting an animal; lots of coyotes, wild game, even moose and bear on the roads in this part of the country. We turned the radio on; Rob's a guitarist and can't help but have tunes on while driving...I started to search for a local station or perhaps something on CBC radio. And there it was, on the news.

I think we were initially incredulous, maybe even said something to the effect of "holy s#$&!". Later on, we fell very quiet and just listened to the journalist's voice as he described the scene and the world reaction. It was heavy - despite the fact I had never been a big Diana fan or a watcher of any celebrities, nor was I particularly interested in the Royal family.

The absolute clarity with which I remember the evening speaks to the basic fascination us, humans, have with big, ditiniguishing markers in time, particularly when the event involves a tragedy of some sorts. And by "tragedy', I don't mean a loss of a friend. I mean a public event, on which strikes at a collective consciousness and which rearranges one's picture of the world...even to the point of shattering a long-held belief, illusion or impression.

When I was little, my schoolmates and I were all big followers of Formula 1 racing. And the driver we loved the most was Gilles Villeneuve. When he died in a crash in April 1982, my buddies and I held a minute of silence. We also held it the next year, and if I remember correctly, the year after. I was ten years old and the death of my favourite 'celebrity' affected me, no doubt.

The death of Princess Di probably did not strike at the same chord as that of a Formula 1 star. But I do think about her incredible life and her battles with the almost saint-like status, and about the fact she continues to hold this fascination for many people around the world. At the same time, how much has the world changes in the 10 years? How much less - or perhaps more - relevant would have Diana become? Would she be in politics now, like Hillary Clinton or Sonia Gandhi? What would she have to say about British troops in Iraq? I do wonder...and I do think about her remarkable effect on the world, at least on the anniversary.

Bang bang (the drum)

2007-08-30T08:36:00.000-04:00

Seems the Ottawa Congress Centre can't seem to get its story straight over whether they have a policy banning rap and hip-hop, artists that promote gun violence or just a blanket ban on concerts altogether. To be honest it sounded like they're just as unorganized and indifferent about their work as pretty much any other place that has a spirit crushing environment. Also, university aged males tend to want confrontation and to be right all the time so I'm sure neither side is totally coming out aces in this one.

Still, I find it quite disgusting that a vice president will just outright lie because he doesn't understand rap and hip hop. The second veep did a wonderful back pedal claiming he was only expressing a personal opinion and not official policy about artists and gun violence. I wonder if there are any free ridings for the Tories in the October election? I smell candidate, here!

But this morning on CBC the president was on, and granted I only heard the beginning and the end because I had to take a shower, where he explained that he decided that the Congress Centre just shouldn't hold any more concerts because it's not the right venue, it doesn't make good business sense, the staff isn't properly trained for that type of event and more along those lines. They all make perfectly good sense to me. It just looks really bad when you need 24 hours to prepare and answer that makes sense. May as well get a black t-shirt with white block letters that spell GUILTY across the chest much like a sixties batman thug had THUG spelled across his. Also, good policies are only good policies if you, and here's the important part, actually tell other people about them.

As for Mr. Gun Violence, I'm wondering if he has any Johnny Cash at home because that song Cash sings about tying up his wife and shooting her really has nothing to do about gun violence. Or that song about Folsom Prison, or A Boy Named Sue and many others. Same goes for the 1812 Overture, and pretty much any opera is about killing and raping. But they don't glorify it do they? Not with all the opulent productions, not at all.

And finally, don't try to screw with someone who is working on improving voter turn out. You're just asking for trouble then because not only are they an activist, they're probably actualy good at getting things done. Like embarassing you.

Congratulations Ottawa

2007-08-28T13:59:00.000-04:00

You've managed to prove me right.

I keep mouthing off about how by being incredibly selfish you've managed to vote in an incredibly selfish mayor who would pretty much make this city a beige wasteland. It has come to pass. Remember his very clear promise that "zero means zero"? Apparently he's using base 12 math or something else I don't understand. Perhaps he forgot to carry a five or something because now "zero means five."

That's right, it looks like there will be a minimum 5% tax increase. Yes, he said he supports a 2% tax increase for something that doesn't involve "council vanity projects," council already voted to increase at the rate of inflation 1.4% and the police service will be giving a minimum 1.6% increase to the budget. That add ups to 5% if you follow me. Then again I don't understand how 5 and 0 are the same number. I'm a bit dubious of my 95% in advanced math in high school now.

On a side note I'm wondering what the heck a council vanity project is? Are we funding their self-published novels or something? Are there full length mirrors in the council chamber or a bunch of marble statues in their homes that I don't know about?

On top of this there will be between 500 and 1000 jobs cut. This to me is the most disgusting aspect of our new mayors reign. Those are the types of job cuts that decimate towns where the mill closes. We just sort of roll our eyes and think "oh yeah, I've had nothing but positive experiences when dealing with the city because there were just too many people there to help me out. It was like a harrem of city employees there to take care of all my parking ticket needs."

Way to ensure people like me are looking for the next job out of town.

More Ottawa stupidity

2007-08-26T23:36:00.001-04:00

Hello Ottawa Beige readers,

Recently, I moved, from one of Ottawa's decent, fairly central neighbourhoods, Sandy Hill, to the most central of them all, Centretown. Now, most things are better here. But one thing that gets me at all times (particularly late at night) are the lights I can see from my bedroom. You see, I'm afforded an excellent view of l'Esplanade Laurier's East Tower. It houses the Ministry of Finance and the Treasury Board Secretariat. Apparently, because they deal with money, bringing it in, and how it's spent, they're allowed a little bit of profligacy. For example, it is a rare evening when there is only 1 or 2 floors lit up in that building from my perspective. At 11:40 on Sunday night, I have a view of the top 10 floors. Of which 5 are very brightly lit up (this is a quiet night, I guess - sometimes it's 8 of them). That's your and my tax dollars that are being wasted so that nobody in their right mind has their floor well lit (that's assuming that nobody in their right mind is in the office at 11:40 on a Sunday night). Neighbouring buildings may have one or two floors lit.

Apparently, someone else is trying to get the message across to them; as I was passing the building yesterday, the flipping billboard across Laurier St. from the building turned to the David Suzuki powerWISE ad. I had a bit of a chuckle.

I wonder if the building managers will get the message. Probably not, given what the Wikipedia entry says...

No Comment, No Comment, Um, Yeah They're Ours

2007-08-24T11:03:00.000-04:00

So it turns out those masked men were actually cops. I'm not entirely shocked. My guess is that a few things will happen because of this. We'll find out from the Quebec Provincial Police that these three men weren't acting under orders or were somehow on their own so no body in the organization is directly responsible for their actions other than the three men themselves.

Stockwell Day will manage to screw something up in response to it. Shocking, I know.

Retired police officers are really kind of funny and will be trying to get Hollywood consultant gigs out of their interviews surrounding this incident. All the retired officers I've heard from were making fun of the upper eschelons for choosing people who don't fit in as agent provocateurs. They all seem to tell reporters how they'd have done it "properly" by getting thinner and mangier looking people to blend in with the crowds without raising suspicion

Everyone in Canada knew they were cops when the police force never released the names of the three men arrested. We're cynical, not dribbling idiots.

Someone will blame former RCMP Commissioner Zaccardelli at some point.

It seems to me they wanted to start a riot in order to justify spending so much on security and, well, it just seems like such a waste to get all dressed up with all that wonderful new (and expensive) riot gear to not use it or justify the expense.

This will help fuel the constant yammering about sixties culture and how they had to deal with this kind of crap when they opposed the Nam. Somehow, this will add to more glorification of revisionist baby boomer history.

You Can Buy Me This

2007-08-23T15:54:00.000-04:00

Seriously, it's my birthday in a couple of weeks. I'd be more than happy to get a Lego building kit that is all these violent and mish-mashed creations like a candy catapault, paper-airplane launcher, lego brick gun and something called a high voltage vehicle.

This is all the stuff your parents got mad at you for making while loving the fact that you were at least being creative. It's all been created by the Lego designers to kill time, much like animators who worked on Teddy Rupkin used to put up drawings of TR in various nasty states.

What I don't need to hear anymore.

2007-08-23T08:46:00.001-04:00

Already I'm tired of this story on the news. Now, this will be a bit hard to write about without ending up sounding like a total ass but here goes.

I don't want to hear about how dead soldiers from Quebec can cost Harper a majority. It makes it feel like soldiers from Quebec are more important. Harper should have lost any right to win votes after he extended a dangerous mission with little to no support from any of the alliance members in NATO. I know I've on really dealt with war in a game of Risk but I think I know what an alliance is and how they're supposed to work.

I guess I'm just saddened by the soldiers who have given their lives being overshadowed by political predictions and a reliance on the idea of two solitudes.

Triptophan Haze

2007-08-21T10:00:00.001-04:00

I was watching television the other night, never a good thing if it doesn't involve hockey or soccer in my opinion, and I saw this commercial that had this cool black co-worker making fun of this nerdy bespectacled white guy who is trying to dig his way out of the office with a spoon much like The Great Escape or The Shawshank Redemption. The cool black guy looks down on the white guy and smirks out the belittling phrase “Looks like somebody missed snack time.”

This has been bothering me ever since. At first glance it’s just some smartass that’s making fun of his co-worker who needs an energy boost. But you scratch the surface and you see a deeper meaning here. Warning: A lot of the following text will make you want to tell me to chill out and stop reading so much into things.

So what are the bigger issues I see here. Well, first of all it’s the black guy who is eating the fast food which immediately ties into the American stereotype of “black people like fried chicken.” It’s a chicken wrap sandwich thing. At the core of this assumption is the truth that a lot of the overweight population in America is urban black culture simply because when one cannot get an office job like the people in this commercial in a society without a social safety net your limited income leads to unhealthy lifestyle choices because they become more affordable and less time consuming. Take a look back at the Katrina disaster to see what I mean. There were countless images of poor black Americans left stranded, many of whom were overweight. Never once was there discussion about the lack of social safety net in light of Katrina.

So not only is it the cocky black guy eating fried chicken he’s making fun of someone who has pretty much been driven insane by the mind numbing banality of his office job. The solution isn’t to help the guy come to terms with his situation or consider new ways of engaging employees. The solution to deal with this situation is to jam a chemically laced piece of deep-fried chicken down your gullet so your body releases endorphins and you’re complacent because you’re digesting hormone laced bird-like product.

Yes, that’s a great message. Complacency through fried food.

Am I reading too much into this or seeing what was intended? I guess you can be the judge. But for the rest of us who appreciate Dilbert and the general mind-numbing bullshit of office politics, here's a great little airplane safety type card for workplace revolution. There are naked cartoon people in it near the end so be warned.

3 Things I take ironic pleasure from and a game

2007-08-20T10:02:00.000-04:00

The Liberal Party, especially former Liberal Party members of parliament.
These guys are great. Whenever there is anything in the news involving politics it’s pretty much a guarantee that a former Liberal will show up on tv or the radio and explain that this was a Liberal initiative or how the Liberals started it but did it better.

They generally fail to mention that whatever the news of the day was something they failed to mention when they were actually in power. But man, wave that TV makeup brush in front of a Liberal and you’ll find out who birthed the next savior of mankind if you ask one.

Conservative task-forces.
I love how whenever there is campaigning the Liberals will make a promise about “issue of the day.” The NDP will follow on their heels saying they can do it faster or cheaper or simply give you more money. The Conservatives always have a task force their waiting for, unless it’s an issue they actually care about.

I just don’t imagine they are the kind of task force I’m thinking of with guys in black jumpsuits that hide your body heat, kung-fu training and night vision goggles. I imagine they’re a bunch of guys whose sole feature is their hair turning into a shark fin every time there is a cross-breeze on the street as they wonder why bowties aren’t quirky enough to be hip and, you know, impress the ladies.

Protestors.
Nothing says informed masses like a marching crowd containing enough petuli oil to be an environmental disaster. I noticed a lot of red communist flags in the Sunday march protesting the free-trade agreement and the potential loss of jobs to Canada.

I don’t think the communists like it when you point out that a bigger problem is the amount of jobs being lost to Communist China, which is a workers’ paradise from what I’m told.

Lombardo Liquor Pig drinking game.
Ever since the U21 world cup a few of us have been really disgusted by this Andrea Lombardo guy. He missed goals I could have scored. While wearing my glasses and work clothes. I’m pretty sure his future doesn’t lie in Canadian Soccer but in developing out space program. Every time something came near that guy he launched it straight up and the only conclusion I can come to is he wants to put something in orbit.

So not one to be satisfied with complaining about an athletes performance amongst friends, I decided when the Toronto FC play we need to take a drink every time he screws up. But to be fair, if he actually does something good, or get close to scoring, the first person to say “Good job Lombardo” (or some agreed upon compliment) unironically is safe, and everyone else needs to drink. If he scores, you all drink in celebration. Don’t worry about that last one unless you count scoring as putting the ball high over the net. A lot.

Make sure you have a lot to drink.

2007-08-17T13:16:00.000-04:00

Question: What happens if you're a Nazi and you and your fellow Nazi stumble across Sgt. Rock while on patrol?

Answer: This...

Then he picked up a bazooka and blew up a tank. You are now freaking out. My work here is done.

Sasquatch suit holidays

2007-08-17T09:52:00.000-04:00

Just when I'd thought it would have been an original idea, some guy in Manitoba has already donned the hairy suit and scary mask and has been freaking out unsuspecting campers..
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/manitoba/story/2007/08/15/sasquatch.html?ref=rss

And, because this is Canada, we take care to take the fun out of it - as we eventually take the fun 0ut of everything. The 18-year old 'sasquatch impersonator' even got arrested by the cops. I wonder what the warning would have been..."next time, sir, make sure you dress up as an antelope"?

What I also love about the story is that the fellow was a regular at that provincial park, has been camping there repeatedly and truly enjoyed his surroundings. The sasquatch thing was just a little lark on the side. Very mellow, very quaint. It's not like it's five or six drunken fratboys donning these suits and rampaging through a campground.

Already he's making me angry

2007-08-15T14:52:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I was trying to find out a bit about the upcoming hockey season and it turns out that finding the Senators' broadcast schedule is about as easy as finding out the broadcast schedule for the English Premiership. In otherwords, it's time to find religion and pray you can find one as some point before it's too far into the season.

In my search I find a few rumoured reports of Brian Murray trying to sign Peter Forsberg. I find that interesting in that Mr. Forsberg can be paid less if he's playing for a team based in a country with subsidized healthcare because, man-o-man is he ever breakable. Then I read that Murray is no longer shopping Redden around and is actually thinking of extending his contract beyond this year. WTF? Seriously?

I hope they get Forsberg and strap him up with some Wile E. Coyote type rocket-skates and just send him out onto the ice towards Redden - a lot. I know Redden is a nice guy and all, but we need someone who can actually stay up on their skates and, you know, try to win the game.

Peter Forsberg with ever more absurdly cartoonish ways to be propelled at Redden, though - I'd pay money to see that. I'd even be willing to pay for level one seats.

Three Cabinet Monty

2007-08-15T10:36:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else feel like Harper is just a scam artist shuffling a deck of cards and we're supposed to guess which one is the ace of spades?

I'm glad that he's managed to solve all our healthcare problems, we live in a pristine country and there's no lagging military commitments killing off our troops for the forseeable future. I'll sleep better tonight knowing there's a new cabinet that'll be making new priorities.

One of Karl Rove's Nicknames

2007-08-14T14:09:00.000-04:00

Sometimes President Bush Jr. would call Karl Rove "Turd Blossom."

Just thought you should all know that.

Middle of nowhere..no, wait, Resolute Bay

2007-08-13T15:11:00.000-04:00

A little travel article for you all good people...I just came back from the high Arctic. One of the several work-related trips this year, and by far the weirdest...

"The most striking impression, when we land at Resolute Bay, is the wind. It sweeps the almost uniformly grey-brown surface with an unceasing pressure. Sometimes, the base staff tell me, these windstorms last four or five days in a row. It is blowing at 40 knots now, hard to walk against.
By the time we've arrived in Resolute, we have been in transit for over seventeen hours; delays are a constant feature of flying up north. Ross (my colleague) and I are giddy with fatigue and crack goofy jokes. Although the flight has been at times incredibly scenic, we are impatient to get on firm land and fall asleep for at least a few hours. Daylight lasts 24 hours a day in this season.
I have mentioned the wind as the strongest impression from the onset. The other aspect that immediately starts to dominate the senses are the stark colors. It is a perfect polar desert scheme - light browns and slate grays of the land, an icy blue and turquoise of the sea. The water in Lancaster Sound is churning in the vicious wind today, whitecaps rolling onto the pebbly shores in rapid succession. Once we leave the base for a two hour hike, all signs of human activity disappear. All that is left is the uneven scree and gravel field, crunching under our feet. Low, elongated, steel-gray clouds render the panorama even more horizontal.
The small water bodies - ponds, marshes - dot the desert here and there, and are responsible for the meagre vegetation. I find small clumps of saxifrage, mosses, even the odd specimen of yellow Arctic poppy. "Trees" are, by taxonomic definition, still present here but what that means in reality is the occassional flat, 1 cm high, nestlike tangle of arctic willow branches. Even to grow a patch like the one we saw, 1 by 1 foot, may take a century.
On the way up here, the joke was that Resolute Bay is like Mars with bears. I'd like to replace that with "Mars, only with water", since the bears are - fortunately - away from the land, hunting seals on offshore ice. There had been some polar bear sightings several days ago, I am told. But we find no evidence of any large animal on our beach hike. The only animal lifeforms we encounter in the two days are seagulls and a flock of Arctic terns. They seem to be catching something in the sea, we are not sure what.
The land is so uniform, it would be easy to simply dismiss it as a giant gravel pit. But a closer look at that gravel reveals all types of geological oddities and frequent fossils. There are imprints of small shellfish, millions of years old, locked in the stone. There are strange metamorphic rocks surrounded by what looks like breccia, a compressed matter that may have been sand or silt at some point. There is heavily eroded, scoured limestone and other rocks I can't find names for. Whatever is here today, it has been squished, ground up and transported by glaciers. Cornwallis Island where Resolute Bay is located does not have a permanent ice cap. Most of the other islands around here do. At any rate, the snowpack lasts up to 9, 10 months in northern Nunavut, melting only in mid-to late June.
To speak of summer here seems a joke to southerners. However, those two snow-free months mean that all kinds of activity can take place...for instance construction or fixing up buildings. Not to mention that the place depends heavily on the 'sea lift', a yearly delivery of heavier supplies like fuels which can be shipped in the short window of time while the sea ice breaks up. With climate change, there is supposedly more of an open water season. But by anyone else's standard, it is still an extremely short and unpredicatble season.
During my short stay in Resolute, I have learned to appreciate shelter and abundance of good hot meals, more than ever before. The Polar Shelf base is a capsule-like microcosm of comfortable life, seemingly adrift in the otherwise barren land. If you stay here, expect three tasty, nourishing meals a day, a bed and a warm shower. This is a transit point, a staging ground for field work by many a scientist. I rub shoulders with geologists, grad students, with a glaciologist from Edmonton, and I listen to an a Scot and an Irishman describe their work on arctic bird colonies. There is an air of shared international interest in this area, an area which is still a hostile frontier.
Brad, the glaciologist, and I pass time by playing what must be the northernmost pool game in the world, on the slightly crooked table. We devour literature and we go walking on the Mars-like landscape. There are not a lot of stimuli here - and yet this is the busy time of the year.
Logistics completely dominates the proceedings at the base. The flights getting in and out, the servicing of equipment and trucks, the tracking and accounting for supplies. The far North depends on air transport; it is still a frontier-style flying experience, on very old aircraft. Hawker Siddleys, Twin Otters, the occassional Hercules, anything that can land on dirt airstrips and won't break down in the intense conditions. Even the helicopter by the base has that 70s vintage look about it. I have gained the utmost respect for the guy who flies this thing for a living.
Resolute Bay is not a holiday spot. It is, however, a striking and fascinating setting, a window into a truly alien landscape and into extraordinary human efforts. My joke about Mars finds a real-life reflection - there is an experimental set up on neighbouring Devon Island where Canadian and NASA researchers simulate would-be operating conditions on Mars.
As we leave Resolute, the weather has finally cleared. Wind has died down, large patches of blue sky have opened up . I was a little mad earlier at this twist of fate, but now I am feeling just a tinge of sadness.My stay here was too short for serious exploration, yet long enough to gain an appreciation for this amazing part of the world. It has left me wanting to see more. When I reach green, summertime Ottawa, this will seem like a sleepwalking episode or a strange dream."

Yay and merrily there was much celebrating

2007-08-13T11:30:00.000-04:00

Newcastle United is number one in the Premiership.*

This is cause for much celebration and bragging - not least of all that is coincides with me being number one in my fantasy football league (fantasy soccer to those of you not interested). In second place in that fantasy league - my wife. Truly, this is a wonderous age in which we live.

*Until Tuesday at the very least.

I'm torn

2007-08-07T12:15:00.000-04:00

It appears that the English Premiership is going to get more coverage in Canada than it ever has before. In fact every single game will now be broadcast in Canada for the first time ever this season. The Score will be broadcasting the Sunday game (usually involving Man U or Chelsea, which were never draws for me so I never really missed them), but Sportsnet has been reduced to one game at 10 a.m. on Saturdays rather than their usual triple-header. What happened is that Irish pay-per-view television network Setanta has won the rights to broadcast all the other games. So they have the Saturday triple-header, with Sportsnet given the chaff (expect to see a lot of Derby County and Wigan). Setanta will also be broadcasting the weekday games and some Champions League and UEFA Cup games as well as some Scottish and, I think, Dutch League fare.

Sounds great, right? Is it $15 a month good though, because that's how much it will cost you to watch soccer in Canada from now on.

Yeah I'm torn. Finally Newcastle United is putting together an impressive team but I'll have to pay $15 a month to watch 90 minutes of football (if I remember or get lucky that their on a time delay). I don't want to watch every single match, I just want to watch Newcastle United. And while I'm happy at the prospect of being able to finally be able to watch every single game they play (in theory) I'm not to thrilled at the prospect of paying $15 a month for the privilege.

Is it okay to head to the pub and drink at 7 a.m. on a Saturday? What if I just stay up exceptionally late on Friday? I mean, comfort of your own home is one thing but in public? I'm going to miss having my coffee or tea with eggs on toast watching some footy on Saturday mornings. I'm hoping this is such a collosal loss of revenues for Setanta that they drop their stranglehold on the Premiership rights in Canada and I'll have my free triple-header back on Sportsnet.

Or I'll just give up basic cable (although the Sens are on that) and just buy the Setanta channel instead. Or maybe I can just give up comic books and transfer that money into a soccer account.

Fuck it, I'll be at the pub on Saturdays from now on like a proper fan.