Monday, October 29, 2007

The Horror Week: Day One - Costumes

Halloween is coming up this week, so I guess this is more like The Horror 3 Days. If you're about as planny-aheady as I am you probably don't have a costume. I do have one advantage over most people when it comes to minimal planning but scary costume nonetheless. I live in The Glebe so I can just be a Stranger and everyone is freaking the hell out. Also, I'm bigger than most kids so I take a Fagan approach to gathering sweets where I consider most children to be Artful Dodger type gatherers of my own quest towards diabetic shock. If you don't give me a big enough cut, I can just wrench the candy sack from your puny little girl hands. Oh you think those tears are going to stop me princess?

Um, yeah that's going to stop there.

So anyway, here's a few costume ideas sure to strike fear into anyone this Halloween.

Stephen Harper

This is pretty easy if you're a guy. All you need is a suit, a large billowy shirt and a pillow. Button the pillow inside the shirt and put on the suit, then walk around in mock outrage and stand up for Canadians and Canadian families. If you're really committed go to the barber and ask for the grade one, first day of school cut. Explain that you are not Al Gore.

Stephane Dion

A bit easier but requires slightly more dedication. All you need is a suit and everyone you know to punch you in the gut or hit you with some foreign object until you get a stunned look and put the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLAble.

Wear a birka and go to Quebec.

Walk around smoking and tell everyone you're cancer. Better yet, quit your job, flop on the couches of friends, constantly borrow money your never intend to pay back, eat friends out of house and home, make inappropriate offers to their spouses and abuse at least one substance thus becoming an actual cancer of society.

Put on a skirt and sequined top, remove underwear and go as Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan. Then hit the Karaoke.

Civil Servant
Place box over your head for comfy cubicle feeling (air holes and mind numbing lighting optional). Slouch shoulders for broken spirit look. Lash out at random people who "get in your way." Sigh whenever someone asks you who you are and explain with a tone of contempt what your costume is and how you make it. Run through all red lights you see and get mad at people who point out how that might actually kill you. Wear golden handcuffs labelled "pension." Only trick or treat at one third of the houses an enterprising child manages on their own then complain you couldn't do more because you had to go home and learn French, again.
If you are more enterprising you could always try to create costumes that embody more existential dread such as Global Warming, Fire, Large Meat Eating Mammals, Existential Dread, or Robotic Sharks that know Kung-Fu.

Hey, Prime Minister, what do you think of The Horror Week?


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