Friday, November 30, 2007

The hilarious rantings of a lunatic

OK, so I have to admit that I was never that big on the rantings of evangelical Christian preachers. I grew up Catholic, and didn't have to deal with all of the fire-and-brimstone and anti-science that some Evangelicals put out there (well, maybe I did hear it, but I was probably too busy bugging my brothers or hoping the next hymn wouldn't suck). In Catholic school in Kingston, we learned evolution, and we learned to be critical of religion, even our own to an extent. And one of the lessons that I remember from Gr. 9 and Gr. 10 religion with the late Father Stan and Mr. Korczynski was that, well, a lot of the fundamentalist religions and preachers are just plain nutty and weird, with their speaking in tongues and, uh, odd interpretations of religion (well, yeah, that Bible's a nice read, but why don't you try this one written by Joe Smith, as dictated to him by the angel Moroni?)

Anyhow, all this to say that I never paid any attention to guys like Jerry Falwell. And, well, I think I see why. That man was an absolute nutjob. Did the syphilis get his brain for him to have been this off his rocker?

I need to reprint the following lines, just for good measure.



(1) To Create Major Economic Damage to America.

Experts predict that a universal compliance with the Kyoto Accords or any such proposal being promoted by the Al Gores of this world would cost the global community over $550 trillion and would cost the U.S. about $352 billion almost immediately. For starters, Americans would be assessed 35 cents per gallon of gasoline.

(2) The Desire To Change the Subject Concerning the World’s Moral Bankruptcy.

(3) Most importantly, it is Satan’s Attempt to Re-direct the Church’s Primary Focus.


Riiiiight... So the Church shouldn't worry about the poor in its flock who are subject to greater vulnerability to the worst impacts of climate change. I thought that was one of Jesus' greatest laws - you know, the whole "Love thy neighbour as thyself" (Matthew 22:39). I also remember the line "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers and sisters you do to me" (Matthew 25:40). So I guess guys like Falwell have to believe that climate change isn't happening, or else they may have to change their lifestyles because, well, they might be contravening the word of their Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Also, apparently, people who care about greenhouse gas emissions and climate change are all a bunch of pinko commies. That's what I think when I hear the names Ray Anderson, founder of Interface Flooring, Lars Josefsson, the President and CEO of Vattenfall, a large Swedish utility, and Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of General Electric. Apparently, they're all a bunch of pinko commies, because they're trying to make their companies greener (and maybe make a bit of money at it, but apparently being green means not making any money, right Rev. Falwell?).

Phew... I'm done with this rant.

CBC's Search Engine is taking questions for Jim Prentice on the new Copyright Bill

I've gone and posted my questions for the Minister of Industry and I encourage everyone to go post a question to find out how restricting the rights of you as a consumer, and Canadian, will benifit you in any possible way.

There is a lot of good stuff there already, but please take part. My question is being processed and should be up when it's approved, but I like all the questions about whether or not we'll still pay levies on blank media if they will be legislated to have anti-copy devices in them that make them, essentially, unusable. So if you pay to download music to your iPod you wouldn't be able to move it to any other computer you own, but as of now you pay a levie on the iPod because they claim you should be buying the song you want to listen to again. They do it on blank cassettes and CDs as well, in case you use them for transferring music, etc. Forget about backing up anything you have.

Have fun.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

How it all went down

Here's a brilliant fly-on-the-wall news coverage story of how the whole selling Canadian culture to American executives who want to abuse copyright thing went down.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Soon Reading This Will Be Illegal

I was just getting my morning dose of awesome and interesting from Boing Boing when I came across Corey Doctrow’s post about Canada’s new proposed DMCA (Digital Millenium Copyright Act). The proposal to be tabled by Jim Prentice is essentially one of the worst abuses of consumer rights ever proposed. Not only will it make it illegal to move media from one device to another, it would make it illegal to watch/listen to your movies or music on another device if the company that made the original goes out of business. There is a no exceptions portion to the anti-circumvention clause.

So get ready to become a criminal if you attempt to parody, time-shift, or try any other modern fair usage. It also makes it illegal for you to circumvent any anti-copy aspects in any device you own, such as a Windows Vista PC, game console, or cable box. You would not be permitted to modify these items without consent from the manufacturer, who is most always US based.

So while you can record a show to watch later at the moment, under the new DMCA you would lose that right. In essence the next time an immigrant gets killed with a taser and you catch it on your camera phone you would violate the proposed DMCA when it is transferred or copied. Or, say you’re a teacher who wants to make photocopies of a passage from a book for your students? Sorry, that too would violate this act.

By adding little digital policemen to devices you will lose your current rights as a Canadian to American business and lobbyists. I’m amazed at how Canada’s New Government™ is very much America’s Whipping Boy.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Colour this AWESOME!!!

Wow. This is an interesting colour of awesome. Go Korean high schools.

On a side note, I found a link to this video at the Guardian's Environment site, on an article about the poor environmental performance of the Football Association. The Guardian is more than a sight better than any equivalent of a North American newspaper on environmental topics (at least, those that I've seen - please correct me if I'm wrong). On top of that, it is often found exhorting the U.K. to progress further, and join its Nordic and Teutonic neighbours as environmental leaders. Having finally been to the U.K. for a couple of days on my return from a work meeting last week, I can see that there remains a fair bit of work to do (housing standards for energy efficiency do need to be ratcheted up, and recycling needs to become more ubiquitous), but they're generally ahead of us on this environmental game.

This has nothing to do with Ottawa, but...

Is anyone else absolutely disgusted by cheap shots delivered by the Philadelphia Flyers this year? First Steve Downie, then Jesse Boulerice, then Randy Jones, and now Scott Hartnell.

That's in two months. Disgusting. There's a pattern showing up here - and suspending mediocre players (OK, Hartnell's fairly decent) doesn't look to be enough to stop it. A more severe punishment should be administered at some point - deducting points, or suspending their general manager or coach for a few games might do the trick.

Emma Clarke - you made my day

Having come to Ottawa via London I am extremely familiar with the Tube Lady's announcements. I'm sad and disappointed in that city's officials for firing her over some spoof mp3s she's recorded and posted on her own website. They are exceptionally brilliant and can be found in the meantime on metafilter. Reading these false announcements has really made my day because they are just brilliant life observations that are pretty much applicable to any city.

They are all favourites, but in particular I like:

We'd like to remind our American tourist friends that you are almost certainly talking too loud."


"Here we are again, crammed into a sweaty tube carriage. And today's Wednesday - only two more days until you can binge drink yourself into a state of denial about the mediocrity of you life. Oh, for Goodness sake, if you're female smile at the bloke next to you and make his day. He probably hasn't had sex for months"

Friday, November 23, 2007

When Hippies and Tolkein Collide

Holy crap this is awesome.

Senator's Pay Per View

So last night I was watching the Senators' Pay Per View game on Rogers. It cost me $11, and I should have learned my lesson the first time. Last year, we didn't get the entire second period versus New Jersey and when it did come back it was the local American Channel. I made the mistake of believing my $11 would allow me to avoid watching commercials and since it was advertised as Sens TV, that I would actually get a pro Senators bent.

Well the same fucking thing happened last night against Pittsburgh. The broadcast shorted out and suddenly I'm getting the local Pittsburgh feed. I called Rogers about the problem and I am absolutely disgusted by their customer service.

I did manage to get through the entire call without yelling but only because I'm at work so I can distract myself during the long telephone trees that don't give you the proper section (I went with billing since I wanted my $11 back), and the infinite timelessness of being put on hold.

Rogers then tried to blame me for the interuption in service. They said that I could have hit the SAP setting on my TV. My TV doesn't have a digital feed. In fact I had to buy an adaptor to hook my dvd player to it because it only has a cable connection on the back. I expect it to increase in value any day on the antique market. So, they said that I hit a button when the blue screen of death appeared with "PLEASE STAND BY" in white block letters. Then when the Pittsburgh feed appeared and the text scrawled across the bottom said that the Senators feed was experiencing technical difficulties, that too was somehow my fault. Also, I was the first person to call so they were unaware of any problems.

I called on Friday at 10:30 a.m. I ask that anyone who called before that time with the same exact complaint let me know so we can definately, with finality, be able to call Rogers a bunch of fucking liars. Is that seriously what passes for customer service? Blame the customer for something that was publicly apologized for?

Personally, I treat these calls as if they are an improvisation game where you can never say the word "yes" or anything else that can be recorded as an agreement for them to remix when you sue them. Never say yes when you are calling a customer service line, but don't be total dickhead either, it's not the person on the phone's fault.

I got my eleven bucks back. I encourage you all to do the same. That wasn't the service you paid for, so don't complain, act accordingly. Unless, I was the only house in all of Ottawa that lost the pay-per-view service and that message was entirely just for me.

Time to head to CBC to register my experience.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Moment of reflection on our finest

All right folks, I admit Ottawa Beige is not an ideal soapbox to comment on the burning...pardon me, electrifying, issues of the day, and that I rarely wade into debate that has something to do with the police.

I've been a spectator to the Taser use controversy just like most of us have been. I do not have background in crime prevention or crowd control although I know enough kung fu to seriously disable an unarmed attacker. I also do not buy into the 'cop-hating' subculture that's rife out there, in some communities, especially south of the 49th and in the demi-monde of gangsta hip-hop - nor do I have frequent fantasies of being some kind of a Judge Dredd figure. Never been unfairly arrested or had an altercation with the cops and only spent one evening at a station, years ago for a suspected DUI...and got released, with an apology and a cab fare home. So, my opinions are the regular white dude opinions.

In order to have a balanced discussion on this hot-button topic, I say let's get a few facts straight and establish a couple of baseline conditions.

One, police officers of all stripes need adequate protection and response capability. Too many RCMPs and other officers have been dying in line of duty lately. Overwhelming response to a threatening situation is actually one of the longest-standing principles of police intervention - subdue or take down a person who is threatening or uncooperative, or who might have a weapon. It's been happening for ages.

Two, electrocuting people is never a 'safe' alternative to firing an actual gun. Yes, it might have much lower odds of actually killing someone than if you fire a bullet into them, but to send a strong electric current through someone is a potentially lethal action, only a step or two away from inducing a heart attack. Countless studies have been done on what the odds are in supposedly 'responsible' Taser use but no one has come forward with figures of what happens when policemen use a stun gun repeatedly on someone, and especially on someone who already has a condition that makes them susceptible to a heart attack.

Three, one can be trigger-happy with a Taser or a similar weapon just as they can be trigger-happy with the real deal. It is not the weapon, it is the person wielding it who is responsible for over-reacting. The old service revolver gets issued with the precaution that it should be fired only when absolutely necessary, when the officer's life is in danger. I wonder what the rules are for electric stun guns and how they compare.

Fourth, when a bunch of RCMPs acting like cowboy extras on the set of a spaghetti western end up killing a distraught, not-quite mentally stable, non-English speaking immigrant, you bet Canada is not going to be in Poland's good books. Not for quite some time. I saw the Polish ambassador at an event this Tuesday...and he is pissed off (as dignified as he might seem), according to reliable sources. If this happened to a Canadian at the Krakow airport, we'd be up in arms, too.

Last but not least, our country's popular image of the RCMP is changing. Not for the better. The innocence we used to collectively have about 'our finest'

So, these are the baseline conditions. I invite our readers to form their own conclusions and theories.

Survival of the Fittest

So the first snow has fallen, woo hoo! Outdoor skating is now only weeks away and The Weather Network (and pretty much any weather forecaster) has become a prophet of doom.

I love winter.

Last night I couldn't watch my local forecast on The Weather Network because it was a red storm warning screen telling me there was snow coming. Has it really come to this? That snow is now something to fear?

I remember a few years ago when Rick Mercer made fun of The Weather Network for talking about snow bombs. You know what a snow bomb is? It's flurries.

You know what happens every year in Canada? It starts to snow at some point. Do we really need to be the victims of weather terrorism whenever snow falls? Sure, people need to adjust their driving habits but guess what? The same thing happened last year and, well, since there have been cars really. I can imagine what our ancestors are thinking - bunch of stinking pansies, it's snow for god's sake.

One thing I noticed on my walk into work today: there are people who like their job more than their lives. I need to cross a highway off ramp (it goes from the 417 to O'Connor/Isabella) and people weren't waiting for the light there as cars were coming off the highway. Two smokers did this in the last two days. I thought is was tobacco, but really I smell Darwin Award there. Do you really need to get to work THAT badly that you can't wait until the speeding tonne of metal has managed to come to a stop on a frozen road?

And to the guy who decided to speed through a yellow light at O'Connor and Lisgar yesterday while going through a massive puddle that almost splashed me, my wife but got the woman in front of us: Fuck you dickweed.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Why Ottawa sucks - and also why it doesn't

With the fall season fully upon us and the London-like fog occassionally descending on the river and greyness all around, the social temperature of the Beige City is actually increasing, a bit.

As a sometime optimistic counter-voice to Jon's dark musings, I feel it is incumbent on me to occassionally sing praises to the small steps the capital takes, once in a while, towards being less obviously beige...

There was the rather debaucherous Food&Wine show, emphasis on wine, squarely on the wine. I enjoyed myself thoroughly, as did thousands of other people who'd passed through those gates. Of course, the Congress centre is not really the ideal environment for an epicurean event like this, but it is the venue we have. It is central, within the necessary stumbling distance of other places the visitors may want to if there was anywhere else to go, given that one is always, and I mean always, mildly toasted after the Food&Wine show and it is difficult to find a way out of the drunken labyrinth. 4 stars out of 5.

Now, the EU Film Festival is playing. It would be, and I am emphasizing 'would', a world-class event considering its many films, some of them cutting-edge and already very successful in their own countries or all over Europe. It would be a great event if all the embassies and high commissions involved in organizing it actually threw receptions afterwards - and if, and that's asking a lot, some of the actors or directors from the featured films actually dropped by the festival, for a night or two. Although I go every year, fourth year in a row, the EU Festival leaves me hungry for more; not necessarily more film, but more beer and pretzels and cookies. There seems to be a downward trend with the snacks, a very unfortunate situation. 3 stars out of 5, on a good night.

I have also realized we lack in regular, high-voltage sports events other than the beloved Sens games. The Junior World Cup of soccer was fantastic, a real treat for me personally as a player and a fan of the game, not to mention it was simply one of the highlights of Ottawa life this year. We were extremely fortunate to have high-level matches held here, with the likes of Argentina, Mexico and Czech Republic teams strutting their moves and scoring spectacular goals. The audiences were lively and "into it". Of course, there was almost nowhere to retire after leaving the stadium; all the pubs and bars along the Bank street in the Glebe are small and woefully unprepared for the influx of additional hundreds of soccer fans who want to drink and hang out. If this were England, people would have been enjoying their pints in the streets, if it was good ol' Deutschland, they would have constructed temporary beer gardens. But not us, not in Ottawa. Weak, very weak...

What I would like to see in this city, as a tennis fan, is the occassional high-end tournament or at least an exhibition match between top ranked pros. People play tennis in this city. There are plenty of tennis clubs and small-time competitions. But no "Capital Open". We have to go to Montreal or Toronto to enjoy ATP calibre tennis.

Years ago, I recall watching an exhibition match in Calgary. Ivan Lendl and Jimmy Connors slugged it out in the Saddledome. Amazing. I say, bring on the Federer-Sampras series or something similar. I'd be lining up in a second.

Yeah, we could do better, in this supposedly capital city.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Not quite the tallest midgets

Once again it's time to celebrate how utterly dull Ottawa is with the Xpress "Best of Ottawa" issue. I have a love hate relationship with lists. I like to make my own but I tend to hate everyone else's. I need to make the joke every single year that the best of Ottawa is like voting on the tallest midget, only Ottawa wouldn't actually have the tallest midget but they would have an exceptionally tall one.

I tend to like the music and art category because, well, they actually change, but otherwise all the list means to me is that the Manx gets more crowded for the next month or so, which is a slight inconvenience on my part.

My history with this list is a few years ago when I decided to read it in order to try a new Indian restaurant. It was a disaster of epic proportions. I remember telling my wife, then girlfriend, that I don't know if I trust a list voted on by people from Ottawa, they're a bland bunch. My concern that the Indian restaurant would be this bland imitation of Indian food. If only that was it. No what happened was by far the worst restaurant experience I have ever had with a minor wait for a table then being asked to move tables, taking drink orders that show up just as we put on our jackets out of frustration on waiting for them to show up, a similar wait before our orders are taken then the wrong food shows up and then, after a similar wait, our actual order shows up - cold. Never went back and never looked to the best of Ottawa for advice on where to eat. Lesson learned, should have followed my instincts. We joke that it was totally karma, seeing as it was invented in India - now we don't cheat on our Indian place unless someone invites us.

I guess I was just spoiled coming from London, UK where any hole in the wall curry joint (especially the ones that deliver) knocks the socks off of any curry I've had here.

Anway, I'm glad we won most ignored Ottawa based blog - you won't find it on the list, therefore, mission accomplished.

I'd like to thank my fellow contributors, ...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Spider-menace Now in Brazil

by J. Jonah Jameson

Not satisfied with being a menace to the citizens of New York, Spider-man has decided to disguise himself as a five-year-old Brazilian boy. That's right, a child in a Spider-man costume endangered his own life to run into a burning building to save a one-year-old child.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I'm ready to call it quits.

Somehow I get the feeling that the Ottawa City Council is actually anti-urban. It is understandable that this is the result of the four downtown ridings voting overwhelmingly for Alex Munter in the last election. Every single day I hear about more inevitable cuts to the core amenities that make any city worth living in. This mayor and city council are all but ensuring that Ottawa will be a burnt out husk of a core (yes, more so than it is already) and a suburban wasteland that treats any non-home owner as a burden.

I see a future that is much bleaker than any Orwellian dystopia because it isn’t fictional. It is inevitable that this will be a city of retirees because it simply won’t have the amenities that attract young talented individuals to this city. In fact, it’s getting to the point of driving me away. The city is about to eviscerate itself and ensure that nobody will want to come here.

If anyone remembers what Ottawa was like in the seventies and eighties, get ready for a flashback. This will be a government suburb, with little else. And you better have a car because you won’t be able to afford the bus if you are lucky to actually find one. You better not have any form of disability or addiction because there won’t be any places to get a roof or meal. Think you could just kill time at the library? Think again, it'll be gone too. Etc. etc. etc. And most importantly, you better not want to live anywhere outside of the suburbs because it will be made the most inconvenient place to live in Ontario.

Congratulations. I guess they really are running city hall like an Ottawa based business. I just wonder if they realize they can’t actually sell it to an American company like IBM.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Dumbass nation

I am quite used to Canadians not being exactly world leaders in knowing about geography, history, civics and all that. It's not surprising that our primary schools do a poor job of imparting that knowledge to kids; when one considers we compare ourselves constantly with the Americans, it is a low performance bar indeed.

But the following survey results shocked even the seasoned cynical me.

So, let me get this straight. Over half of our kids and teenagers, based on this sample, don't know that Harper is the Prime Minister. More than likely, they think Canada has a president. And, and I hope they were kidding when this was said (but sadly, I know, deep inside, they weren't kidding)...Abraham Lincoln?! WTF! What else don't the kids know, that's the question.

At the risk of sounding like a crusty old conservative, our crappy schools, from the cute Grade 1 to the uber-cool, tall Grade 12, need a serious overhaul. I still distinctly remember arriving in Canada and starting Grade 10 later that year; I was relieved that the science and math were so easy, about a year and a half behind the equivalent European curriculum. That meant I could concentrate on learning English and absorbing as much vocabulary as possible, instead of hitting the rest of the course books...and, amazingly enough, I actually won the Grade 10 'Most Outstanding student award'. It shocked me - there is no reason some other kid, with English as thier first language, should not have finished first in the grade averages, especially counting in the language classes and social studies.

When I see high schoolers walking by, my reaction isn't, unfortunately, 'hey, look, future of the nation' or "I wonder if there's the next Roger Banting or Robert Polanyi among these kids". You know, the genius, the pusher of boundaries, the intellectual ass-kicker. Or simply the next competent family doctor, the next policeman on the block, the next soccer coach.

No, when I see high-school kids walking by, I'm thinking, "here go just another bunch of baggy-assed ruffians with iPods in their ears", and "my, oh my, they didn't make high school girls like that when I was their age..."

Well, I might be a touch prejudiced - but the stats bear out the inconvenient truth. Let's get cracking here and start educating kids about some essentials.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Ottawa's Fiscal Planning

Today our penis shaped mayor held a morning meeting to tell everyone how he would achieve his absolute promise to not raise taxes. What resulted was me being incredibly thankful I'm not a homeowner in Ottawa, not to mention feeling incredibly smug for having voted for the other guy. Anyway, the only aspect of zero that was presented was in the areas of facts and information.

So eleven months after he's plundered the reserves to minimize an increase we still don't have a plan for the city's finances. Lucky me, I can make up some options for what we can expect to see for the city's budget:

  • Letter to Santa asking for one hundred million dollars.
  • Instructions on rubbing hands together and laughing maniacally then running to the trap door at the back of the council chamber to escape via a convenient rocket backpack disguised as a fuse box.
  • Zero tax increase budget only leaves enough for one full body mayor waxing, which is simply unconscionable.
  • The choice is yours: more taxes or we kick you in the nuts until we can steal your wallet without you chasing us down.
  • Council repeals scavaging by-law, use own cars for recycling pick up.
  • Police riot gear now hammered flat diet coke cans.
  • All chairs for remaining six employees converted to power generating treadmills.
  • Returning to Hull Casino and putting it all on black.
  • Councillors are encouraged to stop wiping selves with salary excesses.
  • Parking enforcement now outsourced to kids with matches and spraypaint.
  • Converting public's ability to choke back reason, rage and self-respect into revenue generating energy Ottawa can sell to surrounding communities.
  • Generate revenue by selling tickets to Ottawa Morning where Kathleen Petty publicly evicerates mayor, again.
  • Bake sale.
  • Plans to run the city like the Ottawa Rough Riders, strike that, like the Ottawa Renegades, no wait, I mean like the next CFL team that absolutely won't screw up their finances like we did. Hey look, I can throw a football. Yeah, people sure do love football.
  • All dissenting members of council and the public invited to air their concerns at meeting held in the lower south side stands of Frank Claire Stadium.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

CanLit Primer

Or; How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Never Join a Book Club

Welcome new reader to the first and only introductory seminar to the wonderful world of Canadian Literature. What you’ll get here isn’t a list of great Canadian Fiction or required reading but a primer in how to tell something will be praised or even classified as CanLit. You see, CanLit is a genre just like Noir Detective Fiction, Sci-Fi, Historical Fiction, Bodice Rippers, or Dystopian.

The assumed qualification for CanLit is that the author resides in Canada. That’s really the starting assumption but the genre is actually based on tropes and not particularly limited to geographic boundaries. Instead I posit that the genre is based on three main components I call the triumvirate of abuse.

In order to be considered CanLit, and in turn qualify for any CanLit prizes, a work of fiction must contain 2 of the following 3 aspects, if not all three in some combination:

1) Physical Abuse,

2) Sexual Abuse/Incest; and

3) Alcohol Abuse.

If your work of fiction fails to contain a minimum of 2 of these aspects it will forever be shunned as popular fiction and therefore not to be considered of any benefit to the Canadian Literary tradition of CanLit. A potential fourth aspect is a rural setting, if not poverty and misery in general, particularly if the setting is urban. However, setting is not particularly important for any claims a work of fiction may have to CanLit status as long as the triumvirate of abuse is used to proper effect.

If you attempt to forgo the required triumvirate of abusive plot points your novel must be set in India, or, only if you are a curmudgeonly charming English speaking Jew, Montreal.

There are a few additional aspects that will tend to work against your attempts at inclusion into the genre, and in particular qualify your work for any CanLit award. Do not, under any circumstances be born a white English speaking male. Quebecois is okay but you will only benefit from having some form of surname that is foreign to the English speaker or reader. Women authors should never attempt to style their hair or pronounce words at an audible level when reading from their works in public. Although that does not affect the quality of work it does help in creating a campaign to being considered a serious CanLit author.

Please note that your novel must be a test of your reader’s fortitude and by no means should attempt to entertain them. You’ve suffered as a CanLit author, and by gum, your reader should suffer with you. Remember, the triumvirate of abuse is your go to metaphor for the audience’s experience not just the basis of the CanLit genre and award system. Completed, successful, or well written stories are of no regard in light of these core fundamentals of CanLit.

Next week we will cover how setting your novel in Cape Breton is a coal mine for the abusive triumvirate.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Um, kettle, meet pot.

Apparently there is a minor uproar over a poster of Lord Durham. He was part of Ottawa becoming the capital, however there are claims by a Quebecois group that having this poster up is a slap in the face to Quebec. So the poster has been taken down, because you know we wouldn't to learn unfiltered history or anything now would we?

The reason? He thought French speakers should assimilate into English Canada.

Maybe he should be called to the reasonable accomodation hearings?

Just saying.

Remember, remember, the Fifth of November

Happy Bonfire Night (aka Guy Fawkes Day).

I’ve decided that for the holidays I will not purchase any gifts from businesses that are advertising for Christmas before Remembrance Day. As of now, I will not purchase anything from Canadian Tire and Best Buy. I’m limiting it to television commercials so far, which is probably good for a lot of companies since I have a really busy schedule this week and won’t end up not knowing what to do so I turn on the television. Also, I don't really want to go hunt out window displays out of spite but if one strikes me as too much, they're out too.

My feeling is that we can wait until after we’ve honoured our veterans and soldiers to start advertising for deals on HD tvs, laptops, potentially toxic decorations, and various assorted sundries.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Le Sigh

I came across this gem of an article today after my wife pointed out what happened yesterday, I believe. Only in Quebec will one of the greatest hockey players and genuinely respected athletes be criticised for not knowing French. Saku Koivu already speaks Finnish, Swedish and English, which is more than pretty much every Canadian (and Quebecer) who stuggles with two languages, if not one.

This is the guy who the Montreal Canadiens franchise is built upon, is the Captain of the team, who beat non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and has been selected by the Olympic Athletes to represent them on the Athlete's Commission of the IOC. Maybe the Parti Quebecois needs to jump on that religious schools bandwagon or just build a large Berlinesque wall around the province to really get in touch with voters.

Saku, you'd be welcome in Ottawa. In fact, I'll trade Redden for you.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

The Horror Week: Day 4 – Post-Horrorocolypse

Since yesterday’s post was simply too terrifying and horrorific for human minds to handle the space-time-continuum ripped it asunder. Or, perhaps I just didn’t really have a good joke. Either way, you’re sanity was saved for another day.

So as you raise your head from the weary sleep of the sugared dead to face the unflinching reality of the work week you can remain assured that a chiropractor in Orleans has your back. Yep during our severe shortage of family doctors and lack of access to specialized clinics there’s a doctor in Orleans who will x-ray your children’s Halloween candy to make sure there aren’t any foreign metal objects in it. What the means is to make sure there aren’t any pins, needles or razor blades in the loot. This, as you no doubt realize, is complete and utter bullshit.*

There has never been a case of this type of thing being reported. It’s a great Halloween horror story because it makes you fear the average neighbour in the suburbs. Who knows what horrors lay beneath the beige exteriors? But, really wasn’t it apples that had the foreign objects? And, really, what kid in their right mind was eating an apple on Halloween?** Severe health issues aside I don’t think any kid, ever, in the history of Halloween will ever be in danger of mistakenly eating an apple on the night of free candy.

Besides, it’s the poisons you need to really worry about because they won’t give you stitches, they’ll actually kill you good and dead and unless it’s a heavy metal like arsenic you probably won’t see them in an x-ray.***

So Mr. Bones, what do you think about The Horror Week?

Hey kids, don’t believe lame parents. They actually are as lame as you think they are and other adults feel the exact same way as you do. Unless they are you're parents in which case they are lovely.****

*Unless he’s trying to teach kids that x-rays won’t kill you (they will). But he’s really just fuelling unhinged rumors of made up horror.

**The ones you hated to go visit because their parents were weird and only let you eat raisins as a treat. I’m looking at you Mr. and Mrs. Trent.

***This is made up. I have no idea if you can see arsenic in an x-ray. Or if it’s really a heavy metal poison.

****No they're not, they're lame.