Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Ottawa's Fiscal Planning

Today our penis shaped mayor held a morning meeting to tell everyone how he would achieve his absolute promise to not raise taxes. What resulted was me being incredibly thankful I'm not a homeowner in Ottawa, not to mention feeling incredibly smug for having voted for the other guy. Anyway, the only aspect of zero that was presented was in the areas of facts and information.

So eleven months after he's plundered the reserves to minimize an increase we still don't have a plan for the city's finances. Lucky me, I can make up some options for what we can expect to see for the city's budget:

  • Letter to Santa asking for one hundred million dollars.
  • Instructions on rubbing hands together and laughing maniacally then running to the trap door at the back of the council chamber to escape via a convenient rocket backpack disguised as a fuse box.
  • Zero tax increase budget only leaves enough for one full body mayor waxing, which is simply unconscionable.
  • The choice is yours: more taxes or we kick you in the nuts until we can steal your wallet without you chasing us down.
  • Council repeals scavaging by-law, use own cars for recycling pick up.
  • Police riot gear now hammered flat diet coke cans.
  • All chairs for remaining six employees converted to power generating treadmills.
  • Returning to Hull Casino and putting it all on black.
  • Councillors are encouraged to stop wiping selves with salary excesses.
  • Parking enforcement now outsourced to kids with matches and spraypaint.
  • Converting public's ability to choke back reason, rage and self-respect into revenue generating energy Ottawa can sell to surrounding communities.
  • Generate revenue by selling tickets to Ottawa Morning where Kathleen Petty publicly evicerates mayor, again.
  • Bake sale.
  • Plans to run the city like the Ottawa Rough Riders, strike that, like the Ottawa Renegades, no wait, I mean like the next CFL team that absolutely won't screw up their finances like we did. Hey look, I can throw a football. Yeah, people sure do love football.
  • All dissenting members of council and the public invited to air their concerns at meeting held in the lower south side stands of Frank Claire Stadium.

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