Thursday, November 1, 2007

The Horror Week: Day 4 – Post-Horrorocolypse

Since yesterday’s post was simply too terrifying and horrorific for human minds to handle the space-time-continuum ripped it asunder. Or, perhaps I just didn’t really have a good joke. Either way, you’re sanity was saved for another day.

So as you raise your head from the weary sleep of the sugared dead to face the unflinching reality of the work week you can remain assured that a chiropractor in Orleans has your back. Yep during our severe shortage of family doctors and lack of access to specialized clinics there’s a doctor in Orleans who will x-ray your children’s Halloween candy to make sure there aren’t any foreign metal objects in it. What the means is to make sure there aren’t any pins, needles or razor blades in the loot. This, as you no doubt realize, is complete and utter bullshit.*

There has never been a case of this type of thing being reported. It’s a great Halloween horror story because it makes you fear the average neighbour in the suburbs. Who knows what horrors lay beneath the beige exteriors? But, really wasn’t it apples that had the foreign objects? And, really, what kid in their right mind was eating an apple on Halloween?** Severe health issues aside I don’t think any kid, ever, in the history of Halloween will ever be in danger of mistakenly eating an apple on the night of free candy.

Besides, it’s the poisons you need to really worry about because they won’t give you stitches, they’ll actually kill you good and dead and unless it’s a heavy metal like arsenic you probably won’t see them in an x-ray.***

So Mr. Bones, what do you think about The Horror Week?

Hey kids, don’t believe lame parents. They actually are as lame as you think they are and other adults feel the exact same way as you do. Unless they are you're parents in which case they are lovely.****

*Unless he’s trying to teach kids that x-rays won’t kill you (they will). But he’s really just fuelling unhinged rumors of made up horror.

**The ones you hated to go visit because their parents were weird and only let you eat raisins as a treat. I’m looking at you Mr. and Mrs. Trent.

***This is made up. I have no idea if you can see arsenic in an x-ray. Or if it’s really a heavy metal poison.

****No they're not, they're lame.

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