Friday, August 3, 2007

Trust me on this one

You are not impressing anyone, at all, by wearing your government or departmental name tag to the pub. Seriously. The only way a government name tag will be impressive is if you're the National Polar Bear Kung-fu Trainer to help protect our Arctic Sovereignty. If your government job doesn’t involve teaching kung-fu to polar bears (or possibly piloting insectotrons) then you’re just a boring-ass government employee.

I seriously don’t get it. When did name tags become macho and used to pick-up and impress the ladies? Is there some hang-over from working at a fast-food outlet that I just don’t understand? I know both professions are rather soul crushing and exceptionally juvenile. Is that it? Or are you convinced that jokes about secret sauce are actually funny?

You know those people you work with that are at the pub with you? They don’t like you. They’re just tolerating you and they would rather use the zippy cord on your name tag to strangle you than listen to your riveting tales of meetings with the DM, but, y’know, you’re buying the beer.

Of course, they’re regular human beings and haven’t felt the creeping taint of the one true profession, but if they spend too much time under the gaze of the lidless eye of the Peace Tower they too will be corrupted and fall as all do who are exposed to the dark bureaucratic arts for any length of time. The first signs are thinning hair and a reluctance to part with the name tag, the only object that confirms your connection with something more powerful. By donning the one-true tag you get to be the vessel of that power. However, as all who are corrupted by the dark handcuffs you will be discarded when the dark lord Harrp’air doesn’t need your services any longer.

There is only one way to remove the taint of dark bureaucratic infection. The first step is to remove the nametag. The second is to shut up already. The third is to talk about anything else. Anything. If you collect Iron Man action figures, talk about why you like them because it’s less painful to those around you than to constantly hear your wankerish exposition of a day at the office. We all have jobs, and we don’t bore people with them by pretending they’re actually important or exciting. Unless you’re an underwater shark fighter.


Bonnie said...

The ladies are *getting picked up* by the boys with nametags these days?? Dear gawd.

Hey, did I tell you about that time, with the monkey, and the wrestling...nah, that was Jan...

Umar said...

Dude, I just forget that it's on sometimes. It's not intentional.

Did I tell you that I've been picked to be a project manager in the Directorate of Polar Bear Kung-Fu Training?

Matthew Clarke said...

pah. I spent a summer fighting highly trained underwater shark-riding ninja polar bears. The russians were using them to try to capture our underwater territory near the north pole.

luckily, global warming started to affect the reproduction rates of the bears and the russians were forced to use nuclear subs.

but truth be told: I just faced off against squadron after squadron. Frankly it got a little boring. even the ladies weren't that impressed with the severed bear paw medallion that I made and wore to the pub.

there's just no winning.

joncormier said...

I never said any picking up actually happened - just lame attempts.

Adrian - go rent the Lord of the Rings movies (or read the book, but I don't think you have enough time). Think of them as an instructional video for your nametag.

The Creeping said...

Nice. It would have been perfect if the "underwater shark fighter"